A Big Fat Pity Party

I feel like crap.

I woke up this morning with a herpes break out. It was going quite well after the 3 break outs I had in the space of 2 months. I didn’t even feel any warning signs this time. So now I have a headache and my joints are aching. My knees especially are killing me. And, weirdly, my hips.

Also still feel bloated and sore stomach-wise. After the agony of IBS on Christmas day I am so bloated after little amounts of food that I feel I could pop my stomach with a pin. IT’S SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! And I dropped another kg. HOW THE FUCK. I’m trying to put on weight. I’m trying to eat more (and eat mostly clean) and exercise my knee joints and take my supplements as prescribed and and and! AND what. I’m lying here so sore and so tired and feverish and achy and feeling sick and the pressure building up in my stomach is so painful. I’m crying. I am actually lying here crying. And all I can think is thank god my partner isn’t here because I’m a mess of feeling sorry for myself and I know he hates that. But I want someone to hold me or tickle my back or rub my feet or something to make me feel better.

I did give myself some TLC; had a looong bath earlier on and made a healthy meal of kale, broccoli and peas in lemon and balsamic with a piece of lemon and black pepper hake. Thought I’d relax on the couch with my feet up and enjoy a clean supper. I had 1/2 the fish (the whole piece is the size of my palm) and about 1/4 cup of the veg and then forced myself to eat at least 3/4 of the fish. Even with my digestive enzymes it feels like the food just sits, or gets stuck. It’s like a blocked drain pipe. And then I just felt sick and ended up putting the rest in the fridge.

Today I am tired of feeling like this. I was doing better eating clean, but I’m still not putting on weight and still not able to eat a lot. And then there’s the missing periods. How long has it been now…since May…8 months. 9 in January. And no one seems bothered that my ovaries have shut down. WHY?? WHY is my body not working!?? WHY the fuck can no one tell me!!! And my partner says it’s all in my head, I do it to myself. Yeh okay, I can be negative and blah and then yes, I do feel iffy because of that. But I do not create these bloody herpes flare ups. I don’t cause this extreme bloating pain or the hours spent stuck in the bathroom on christmas day. I am trying so hard and today I am tired. Today I am glad I was on my own because I didn’t have to fake it. I didn’t have to smile and pretend like I was okay, like everything was just hunky-dory.

I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. I feel so uncomfortable. And I’m freaked out that I’m still losing weight. I can see the ribs sticking out now on the top section of my chest. It’s disgusting. All my clothes hang off of me. And I NEVER thought I’d be saying this!

Screw today. Please, please just let tomorrow be better. Please let me not feel so sore. Please…


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