Saddest Day

Today must be the worst day I’ve had in a while. Well, no, not day, morning. I won’t let this set the tone for the whole day. Moping never achieved anything.

Yesterday I met to speak with my partner which nearly ended in a break up but instead has become a ‘trial run’…which makes me feel nervous as I really do feel like I am on trial..though how this all got swapped around to feel like my fault I am unsure. Then I got news that a friend of sorts died last night.

I say of sorts because although I did not see her very often and we were not that close, she was someone with whom I had connected deeply because of shared disordered eating and that she too was constantly sick and in the wars. I know she’d been battling lately, in and out of hospital and I still remember chatting to her husband not long ago and how he was saying he just didn’t know how to help her any more. I remember saying I would chat to her the next time I saw her because I understand where she is coming from and I care about her and hate to see her sink into a black hole. Perhaps if she knew someone understood, like legitimately got it, she’d be able to start getting better and looking after her health. But now it’s too late. She is gone and I never even got to see her or chat to her one last time. I don’t know how she died yet but apparently it was peaceful. My heart hurts so much. I’ve been in tears since I heard last night…and I know a part of this is because I am crying for myself too. It’s selfish but a part of me cries because I saw so much of myself in her. I really felt her pain. I can’t believe she is gone. Beautiful, broken soul ❤

It seems hollow to blog about my relationship in light of the above but it is also part of the tears today and so I need to get it off my chest. I chatted to my partner yesterday and I’m not too sure how I feel. The first thing he did was apologize for his behaviour on Sunday, which made me happy as it means he is also able to own up to his mistakes. Well, to some extent, because as mentioned, I did feel like I was being blamed for a lot and it definitely takes two to tango. Anyway, he wanted to end it, said that what was to stop us from just getting here down the line again and are we just wasting our time. I asked him if he loves me to which he replied yes. This was the first indication that he is simply opting out, not because he doesn’t love me but because he has no idea how to process this and move forward. He is in fact just giving up because it is the easy route. Men, really. So I said that I would not live with regrets. I said that I love him too and I think it is stupid to simply throw away something that we know has been amazing simply because we both lost track along the way. The short of it is I asked him what he needs from me, what changes does he need. He of course brought up the whole being sick thing and the moping around and being negative and complaining. I completely understand where he is coming from, I have been slowly digging my hole and for ages I have complain a lot. I also play up on it because he cut me off and I revert to old behaviour patterns and play the fragile victim in order to get his attention. So I said fair enough. That was pretty much the biggest thing for him. Although when he said about his mum having cancer and that I acted like I was dying whilst she handled herself I stopped him and said that was unfair. Firstly because his mum plays pity party just as much as I do and secondly because my drama was because I was fed up and feeling sorry for myself. I was not dying but I said to him (he recently had a minor chest op to remove a lump) that when his wound was healing it was that niggling pain…imagine living with that for TWO YEARS…not two months…TWO FUCKING YEARS. Anyway, he also mentioned that he needs his time, and that he never makes plans with our friends because I am always sick and that he wants to go out and have fun and whatever. I acknowledge this and then then told him what I need from him. I said that I need him to show me that he love me and that I need him to stop cutting me out because I am on his side, we are a team. I also pointed out that I have told him numerous times to have his boys nights or to ask for ‘me time’ if that’s what he needs. So he says, well he can’t ask me to ‘fuck off’ and I’m like, you’re not! You are simply asking for your space. My god, you silly boy, imposing restrictions like that on yourself because of your guilt and then blaming it on me being sick. Right from the get go I made it clear that I need my own space and that I will not begrudge him if he needs his, all I ask was that he tell me in advance, and I would do the same. I’m lucky that I get my mornings to myself, so I don’t often need that extra time on weekends, but I understand that he does. SO TELL ME. Anyway. He mentioned something early on in the convo about not needing to say “I love you” all the time because we know we love each other and it’s there. So I said, yes okay, you don’t need to say it all the time but then if you’re not saying it and you also aren’t showing me with actions how the hell am I supposed to feel loved at all? I said to him that he wasn’t showing me nor was he saying it so he needs to start doing something. I also said I need him to communicate. He’s male, I don’t expect long winded, emotional speeches, but I DO expect him to keep in the loop. If he is stressed or needs space or wants me to come over and cuddle him, let me know somehow. I cannot mind read.

So the gist of it is we are going to make some changes from both our sides and see if we can move forward. Before we both became withdrawn and shut down, we had something pretty damn amazing. I want that back. I want my real partner back just as much as he wants the real me back. This not-self thing is so annoying and I hate how easy it is to slip into. I did however return the gate remote, as a gesture of, I am giving you your space. And I took most of my stuff that I leave there and packed it in my car. Not as a slap in the face but as a “you need to work at this too or I will also walk.” kind of gesture. It just hurt when he then says, “Oh, do you have everything?”, like he wanted all of my stuff gone. Was that a defence thing?? (Any males want to give me some insight here?)

I left not knowing if I should say I’d message him or we’d be in touch or…I just know I wasn’t going to say, “I’ll wait for you to message me.” as that’s horribly weak and makes me sound like I’d be sitting around waiting for his call. Which I won’t be. Just as he has work to do, I will be continuing my work. Yet somehow I left feeling frustrated and wanting to cry. I felt a bit empty and so very confused. And rejected. How is it that I am willing to fight but he was just so willing to give up? Did I make the right choice in saying we should work on it? Was I brave and strong? Or was I stupid and grasping at straws? I am unsure how to act now. I am afraid that if I have a bad day health-wise that it will all just fall apart. But I cannot be perfect, I am going to have bad days, as is he. The difference is I am willing to be there in his bad days where as I feel I’ve been having bad days for so long that I’ve used up all his patience. I can see I am taking this all on my shoulders now and blaming myself. Oi. I don’t know what I feel or think right now. I just want to go back in time and redo this last week because this learning spot is uncomfortable. But I also know this is necessary and if I can just pull myself together, I realise that there is so much being reflected back at me right now in this. That this is the spotlight I needed to take a look at my own patterns again. I just hope he sees this as the same. That he takes this as a chance to learn about himself too. I want to grow with him, but I also cannot force his growth.

I have to be honest, breaking it off seems like a much more comfortable and easy route. I can see why a man who is at his wits end because of bottling everything and who has never learned to process emotion like this would want to just end the relationship. I was tempted to do it myself. But would I then live with regret knowing that we had something which was amazing but I gave up because it was the easier route? Yes, because I’ve never been one to give up. At my lowest with packets of sleeping pills in my system, I called my therapist and said I need to keep fighting. ME. I called and I booked myself into the clinic program. I’ve always been a fighter, even if I can fall into that negative and ‘pity party’ type pattern . And as I said to him, okay, we call it off, two years down the drain and then what. We start dating someone else who has issues too and when that gets hard we bail again? How ridiculous. Every single relationship will have some management and work needed because it is about two COMPLETELY separate people learning to navigate the world together AND learning to navigate each other. I just hope that my partner is willing to learn and make the effort too.

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