Waiting

Tomorrow is the day. It’s been torture not to message my partner and say I miss you, to say that this time apart has actually been good in terms of perspective, to say that all I want is to hug him and lean into his chest and feel his warm and calming embrace.

He messaged me after 3 days. It was horrid to wait it out but I had to, it needed it to come from him. I needed to see that he cared enough to contact me, because if he didn’t then it would’ve been better to just fetch my stuff and walk away. But he did: “Hi, can we chat later?”. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not knowing when or if he would message means I made sure my days were filled up so that I could keep my mind off the ache in my heart. This means we are meeting tomorrow. The wait since Wednesday has been even worse than the waiting of the first 3 days. Today is nearly unbearable…the nerves in my stomach mean that eating has been near impossible, especially with my IBS going completely nuts with all the emotions. I go between feeling okay and thinking that this was needed and perhaps now we can start building up this relationship again to omg what if this is The Talk. What if this is the end of the road for us. I thought maybe that was what I wanted, I was fed up and tired and to be honest…selfish. Just as selfish as he has been. It’s probably why his selfishness was so in my face, because he was also reflecting back ways in which I have been selfish. I’m not saying this excuses how lazy he has been in terms of date night/day and ignoring my attempts at reconnecting, but I am beginning to understand it was not spite or nastiness that made him do so…he is actually just not capable right now. He is reacting in old behaviour patterns, as have I. Somewhere along the line we stopped communicating, and him keeping me at arms length means I put up some walls myself because I am afraid that at any point he may hurt me. It’s past crap. It’s past crap for both of us.

It’s so stupid to ruin something that was amazing because of old behaviour, because he still needs to learn about letting walls down and I still need to learn not to play victim. I don’t know what goes on in his head so I can only really speak for myself. On my part I know that playing victim is a shocking and immature response but it is such an old behaviour ingrained in me from childhood where playing victim was the only time I would get any love or attention, even if negative attention. In fact, to me it has always been, “rather negative attention than no attention at all” because of my upbringing. The only time I was properly seen was when I was sick, or did something wrong, or was extremely good at something…HENCE: victim, constantly playing up on illness and striving for perfection. It’s no one’s fault, it just is how it is and these need to be unlearned.

I’ve come a long way. I know that. I am not a bad or horrible person, I am simply human and am unlearning years and years of learned behaviours. I think this is the same for my partner. I always put him on this pedestal (as we should to a degree) and think of him as this amazing, solid and stable person who cruises through life, not much stresses him out, he is logical and level headed and wonderfully ambitious. BUT I failed to see, or perhaps just stopped seeing because of the distance he kept me at, that inside he is just as damaged. His father’s suicide has left a scar on him that I don’t think he has ever really looked at. His ex’s probably did what I have been doing and just go on at him for not doing nice, romantic things for them. And I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to, I think it is that he is literally incapable at this point. He cannot do things like this because he has shut down a part of himself that is needed for that emotional connection. His not doing those things may also be a way of keeping me at a distance, whether consciously or unconsciously. In much the same way that I play up on my behaviours and tend to push people away if I feel any threat of being abandoned or hurt. I use many techniques but a lot of the time it is anger and irritation. It’s my way of pushing someone out before they can hurt me…but in the long run it hurts me anyway. I never said it made sense, just that this is how I have learned to function.

There is so much more insight into this but I cannot share it all. But over the last few days I have felt the ice around my heart melting. I feel that love again. I feel so so sad that we have allowed the relationship to get here because of our old behaviour patterns. My partner IS a wonderful soul. I have seen the loving and caring and generous person that he keeps inside most of the time. I know that he loves me but just doesn’t know how to tap in to that side. I think it scares the shit out of him. I think I scare the shit out of him. I take risks and leap from one thing to the next, I feel so fully that sometimes I feel I might explode, I cry when I’m happy or sad or angry, I hate myself and then I learn and start accepting, I mull things over and break them apart and mull them over some more and then I expose them and change them and warp them, I am ever changing because I stand naked in this world. I am me and I have never been anyone else. I am a million facets of me, but I am still me. I think this scares him. I think, as his selfishness scared and frustrates me because it is a reflection of something within me, so my emotional and bare-naked approach to things scare him because that is something he has hidden deeply which is reflected back at him.

Sheesh, my head. I know, I know…over-thinking right? Wrong. Simply exploring and pulling apart and putting back together and rearranging and learning. Most importantly, learning. If I look back to 2012 and see how much I have grown in terms of how I have handled this, I am proud. I will not shrink and say this is all my fault, I am such a difficult person to be with, I have all these issues, I am so lucky he loves me. Because you know what, WE ARE ALL broken in some way and every single person comes with issues, it’s just if we are willing to work together. I am on his team. I love him and I hope he wants to be on my team too.

Here’s hoping for tomorrow ❤

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