Still no word from my boyfriend. Not a message. Not a call. Not a smoke signal. Not even pigeon mail.
I feel torn between utter rejection and feeling that perhaps he needs this time as much as I know I do. But still. It hurts to not hear a thing. It makes me wonder if he misses me at all. Have I been on his mind all day like he has been on mine? Did he see something and want to share it only to remember he’s supposed to be cross with me? Does he feel sad inside at all when things fall still and he has time to sit with his thoughts?
I allowed myself to cry this afternoon and the emotional pain was so intense that I physically hurt. It’s taking all my strength not to message and say…what? Get nasty because I hate him for not even trying to get in touch and because I wonder if it’s been easy for him? Play victim and ask why he hasn’t apologised and how could he be such an insensitive asshole? Pretend like nothing happened and I’m totally cool? Play pity party and take all the blame on myself saying what a difficult person I am?
I’d like to do all of the above. And yes, I am not the easiest person to be with but everyone has their issues. He isn’t exactly a picnic either.
All I can do is keep focussing on me and take it hour by hour, one day at a time. The worst is the not knowing. The worst are the ‘what ifs’ and the wondering.