Today we are having another barbecue. I feel like I write this often but here in South Africa when the sun starts shining, we pull out the braai and every sunny day or birthday is an excuse to gather round the fire and eat and make merry. Which is fine really, if you’re ‘normal’ and can partake in these human rituals. I really do feel like an alien most of the time. And so far today, I’ve made every excuse to not be out there with everyone.
I saw my naturopath on Thursday for a check in and to see what the next step is. Blood looks better but still not absorbing nutrients 100% and apparently still inflamed BUT am on the mend. I have been feeling a little better when I’m well behaved. Which I suppose shows that perhaps I am a little more disciplined than I give myself credit for. My “MUST be perfect or else!” personality makes me very hard on myself.
So now I need to cut out grains and sugar for 3 months. ALL grains even rice and pseudo cereals like quinoa and buckwheat. I know my body doesn’t do so well on these so fair enough. And sugar as in processed and too much. She didn’t seem to think I need to be horribly rigid (hahaha, right. This is me she’s talking to!) so she suggested I get some xylitol and I also bought some molasses. I also don’t need to cut out fruit as that is ridiculous. I never understand these daft diets that tell you to cut out fruit…humans have been eating fruit for thousands of years. It’s the crap processed sugar in EVERYTHING else you need to cut out you twits.
Sheesh. Apologies. THAT right there is the aggravation I am feeling inside. I feel angry and irritated and sorry for myself. It’s worse today because of this birthday braai (I’m going to stop calling them barbecues now). Everyone has brought chips and bread rolls and (OMG) the desserts! Chocolate mousse and cake and and and. I want to run and hide in a hole and never come out. Or maybe stick my head out after 10 days when the worst of the addiction should be gone. And I get cross a myself because I am not the only person on this planet going through this, and there are in fact people far worse off! I feel very selfish and silly. I mean, I’ve bought root veggie chips so I can also partake in the nibbling and chatting and I’ve made the most awesome lemon, honey and coriander marinade for my chicken kebabs. Plus I’m drinking water with lemon and blueberries. I should be happy and relaxed. I’m going to have to dig deeper and find out where this anger and defiance is coming from.
Also worrying me is the fact that I still have not had any kind of period and that I am not gaining weight. I am eating and you’d think after practically starving myself my body would jump at the food I am giving it and store it in all sorts of weird ways in case I decide to deprive it again…which I don’t plan on doing, but the body doesn’t know this. It’s still a game of sit and wait, or so it seems. I just see the baby at the braai today and think…I may never have that. And it makes me sad so deep inside.
Right, let me stop being anti-social and go join the people.