Yes, another outbreak. I felt a bit fluey yesterday and thought “oh dear, think my friend has given me the flu”, but no. I wake up and realize I have two little sores and feel quite tired. Thought maybe felt tired because I overslept but when I got up and made a mission to the pharmacy I barely made it home. Dizzy, shaky and weak. I got home and lay on the bed, my whole body shaking from the effort of a stupid little trip to the pharmacy for antivirals.
3rd outbreak in like a month and a half and every time I’ve been knocked off my feet. Oh and this time it’s even better because of the Provera (which I think may have provoked this break out in the first place) which has also made sure I have lovely pelvic pain that shoots into my legs and lower back every so often. Goddamn fucking doctors. I said I was worried the pain would come back if we tried to kick start my period but no further investigation gets done. Instead my weight gets picked on and I get given more pills to swallow. And I listen like a good girl because I don’t want to be a hypochondriac (or more of one) and I’m still mildly convinced it’s nothing and I’m making it all up like I’ve been told quite a lot.
But I’m writing now because the I’ve felt a bit off since Thursday and felt quite gross yesterday yet this whole weekend I’ve been at my boyfriend’s place (as per every weekend) and I’ve cleaned up after him and his housemates plus pretty much done all the work for the burgers we made yesterday and today plus made him coffee and brought him hot chocolate. I asked him to rub my shoulders yesterday because I was in agony after a hectic yoga class and after begging the whole day he finally rubbed them for 5 minutes with some arnica but the whole day made a point of saying how he was also sore and needed a back rub.
So I get up just now, after cleaning up the whole kitchen again and packing and running the dishwasher…again…thinking I’d just make myself a mug of hot water or tea as I’m feeling a bit queasy and don’t have the energy to make food. And he looks up and says, “oh can you make me a hot chocolate?” I’m not even sure I heard a please, but regardless, I got a bit snarky and sighed and showed my agitation and then he gets irritated and I snap back because wtf. So I say that the whole weekend all I’ve done is wait on everyone hand and foot and how nice it would’ve been if he’d so much as offered me a tea. So he gets up to make himself a hot chocolate and mumbles something about if I’m not happy why don’t I just leave.
He’s normally really great and I’m so hurt by his attitude. When he had a small op to remove a lump from his chest I waited on him hand and foot. I went to the shops and cooked and brought him juice and water and even boug him some of his favorite sweets. I helped him shower, washing him because it hurt to much for him to move and even stood in cold shower water when he said the heat was making him dizzy. Now today I feel like shit and he can’t even think to offer me some help or care.
Maybe it’s my own fault. Maybe I’ve been sick for so long that I hide it too well. That the utter fatigue and aches I feel inside are hidden so well under my masks of ‘it’s not so bad’ and ‘I can do it myself’. Or maybe he is just selfish. That he doesn’t think outside his box. For the same reason he said he’ll never buy me a spa voucher as a present because it’s a waste of money, even though it’s something I would like.
I’m just so hurt and feeling stupidly sorry for myself. Think I’ll just stay here in the room and have a good cry. Or maybe I’ll go home like he muttered under his breath I should. Gawk I’m so over feeling sick and so over these hormone pills!!