Hormones and Pity Parties

Yes, another outbreak. I felt a bit fluey yesterday and thought “oh dear, think my friend has given me the flu”, but no. I wake up and realize I have two little sores and feel quite tired. Thought maybe felt tired because I overslept but when I got up and made a mission to the pharmacy I barely made it home. Dizzy, shaky and weak. I got home and lay on the bed, my whole body shaking from the effort of a stupid little trip to the pharmacy for antivirals.

3rd outbreak in like a month and a half and every time I’ve been knocked off my feet. Oh and this time it’s even better because of the Provera (which I think may have provoked this break out in the first place) which has also made sure I have lovely pelvic pain that shoots into my legs and lower back every so often. Goddamn fucking doctors. I said I was worried the pain would come back if we tried to kick start my period but no further investigation gets done. Instead my weight gets picked on and I get given more pills to swallow. And I listen like a good girl because I don’t want to be a hypochondriac (or more of one) and I’m still mildly convinced it’s nothing and I’m making it all up like I’ve been told quite a lot.

But I’m writing now because the I’ve felt a bit off since Thursday and felt quite gross yesterday yet this whole weekend I’ve been at my boyfriend’s place (as per every weekend) and I’ve cleaned up after him and his housemates plus pretty much done all the work for the burgers we made yesterday and today plus made him coffee and brought him hot chocolate. I asked him to rub my shoulders yesterday because I was in agony after a hectic yoga class and after begging the whole day he finally rubbed them for 5 minutes with some arnica but the whole day made a point of saying how he was also sore and needed a back rub.

So I get up just now, after cleaning up the whole kitchen again and packing and running the dishwasher…again…thinking I’d just make myself a mug of hot water or tea as I’m feeling a bit queasy and don’t have the energy to make food. And he looks up and says, “oh can you make me a hot chocolate?” I’m not even sure I heard a please, but regardless, I got a bit snarky and sighed and showed my agitation and then he gets irritated and I snap back because wtf. So I say that the whole weekend all I’ve done is wait on everyone hand and foot and how nice it would’ve been if he’d so much as offered me a tea. So he gets up to make himself a hot chocolate and mumbles something about if I’m not happy why don’t I just leave.

He’s normally really great and I’m so hurt by his attitude. When he had a small op to remove a lump from his chest I waited on him hand and foot. I went to the shops and cooked and brought him juice and water and even boug him some of his favorite sweets. I helped him shower, washing him because it hurt to much for him to move and even stood in cold shower water when he said the heat was making him dizzy. Now today I feel like shit and he can’t even think to offer me some help or care.

Maybe it’s my own fault. Maybe I’ve been sick for so long that I hide it too well. That the utter fatigue and aches I feel inside are hidden so well under my masks of ‘it’s not so bad’ and ‘I can do it myself’. Or maybe he is just selfish. That he doesn’t think outside his box. For the same reason he said he’ll never buy me a spa voucher as a present because it’s a waste of money, even though it’s something I would like.

I’m just so hurt and feeling stupidly sorry for myself. Think I’ll just stay here in the room and have a good cry. Or maybe I’ll go home like he muttered under his breath I should. Gawk I’m so over feeling sick and so over these hormone pills!!

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5 thoughts on “Hormones and Pity Parties

  1. You deserve some me time! Let your bf take care of himself for a bit and take some time for yourself, doing things that make you happy. You deserve a break ❤

  2. That isn’t nice of him, but I’m sure you know that. I’m sure you’d love it if he was just as concerned about you as you are about him, that he’d be just as considerate, just as helpful…

    But let me ask you this: Could it be that you are waiting hand and foot on everyone and going out of your way to help others, so that you could use that as leverage against them? So that when you do need them and they don’t come through as expected, you feel hurt and betrayed? Could that be manipulation? Remember, manipulation comes in many forms, including people-pleasing; it simply entails changing your behaviour to solicit a desired outcome from others.

    What would happen if you stopped being nice to others, and start taking care of yourself?

    • This made me think. I used to be very manipulative but I don’t think that is the case any more. I do look after myself. Lol…okay, maybe I’m in denial a bit..but I do try look after myself. The cleaning up after everyone is, I’m afraid, simply my OCD and needing a clean environment…so that is my own fault. If I could just sit on my bum and not let the mess get to me then I probably wouldn’t feel so resentful.
      I am wondering if I set myself up though, like you mentioned about feeling hurt and betrayed.
      You’ve given me some stuff to think on…

      • 😌 phew

        I was afraid you’d get offended. Only reason why I’m putting this rather bluntly is because I used to be the exact same person. Exactly. I used to put myself on the line for others,break my back for them out of ‘altruism’. Yet, I held expectations. But this was more unconscious, I didn’t know the underlying reasons, until I read this one article on manipulation. I’ll provide an excerpt;

        The hard truth about manipulation is that there is never, ever only one person doing it. If someone is successfully manipulating me, I am likewise successfully manipulating them.
        For example, if you, as an addict, are calling me trying to manipulate me into giving you more money, you are likely lying, crying, cajoling, or worse, getting angry and blaming me to make me feel so guilty I’ll cave. What am I doing? Well, if I’m caving, it’s because there’s something I’m going to get out of this arrangement. Maybe I’m afraid that if I don’t give you want you want you’ll just never speak to me again and what will that mean? How would that feel? Or, maybe I believe that only a bad mother, father, sister, brother would turn down a loved one in need—so my identity as a good person is hanging in the balance. Or maybe I’m afraid of you—maybe I fear you’ll hurt me if I don’t give into you. Whatever the case, if I cave to your demands it’s because I believe that caving is somehow going to benefit me too.

        .

        Now, I hate to be just that blunt about it. But it is the truth that sets us free.

        We bargain to be manipulated. A bargain works like this: IF I do this, THEN you’ll do that. Or, IF you do this, THEN I’ll do that. They are often based in magical thinking. Magical thinking works like this: When you did that, it was because I did this. In other words, magical thinking is the backdrop for every bargain. We believe we actually can orchestrate another person’s choices.

        You can read the entire article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201403/recognizing-manipulation

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