Catch Up

I realise I’ve been slacking a bit in quality posts but I’ve been in a funny place, busy busy busy and then sick sick sick.

Firstly, I am not working through The Artist’s Way any more. I was finding it pretty useless in terms of the fact that I’ve worked through stuff like it numerous times before and I felt I was just going around in circles. It was not teaching me anything new about myself.

Secondly, I am having the worst time with my health. A while ago I realised I was getting very sudden pins and needles in lower legs. Then I started getting them in my arms. About a month ago I started getting sharp pain in my left heel whenever I walked. It kept getting worse and now my whole foot is tender and I have tingling all the time in both my shins and my hands. I have horrible tenderness over my whole abdomen and feel horribly inflamed. I have had a headache for the last 4 days and have slowly become so exhausted and achy that getting out of bed this week has been a massive challenge. Plus I am having the worst herpes flare up I’ve had so far.

So I took myself off to see my GP yesterday and my body is kind of falling apart. She was shocked that my gynae never gave me meds to suppress the herpes (god I hate typing that word) and said that without the meds it can gain momentum which is probably why I am in such a state now. It lives in the nerves so she says it’s possibly what is causing all the nerve issues too.I did a bit of Googling on this (I know, tut tut) and apparently Herpes can cause nerve damage. Great news.
As for my foot: my heel bone/tendons whatever are all inflamed and by walking on it I am creating a bigger problem. I could end up developing spurs (at my age. yay) and I definitely need better foot support because my flat feet are causing some serious pronation which puts my entire body out of alignment and can cause even more issues.
Then my stomach and all that pain: a lot of it also probably herpes related but the inflammation is probably due to too much acid build up from IBS and not eating correctly.

Solutions: I had to buy heel padding for my shoes, the ones with a hole for the mid-heel so no more pressure is put on the spot. I am not allowed to walk around barefoot at all, not even in the house. I must wear shoes and/or slippers with the cushioning. Yoga is not really advised but if I must I will need to use some kind of cushioning like grip socks and maybe a bandage. I was also given a 6 month script for retrovirals, starting with a 5 day course now, and then a course whenever I start feeling a flare up. Also told to get Gaviscon for the acid and to EAT because I have also lost weight (duh). Then I was booked off work for Thursday and Friday and given permission to just rest.

The outcome is that I have been in bed all day and oddly comforted by the fact that I have permission to just rest. I always feel guilty for sitting still and although my mind keeps going, “you’re not really that sick” I am doing a better job of shutting it up. I guess it’s kind of nice to have the people around me see that I am not making it all up. And for me to feel that it’s not all in my head as I have been told a million times. It’s horrible to be in pain but keep berating myself because it must all be in my head and I’m such a weakling, suck it up, stop making it all up…and so on. Exhausting really.

I watched part of a documentary called Thin. Obviously it’s about eating disorders and it intrigued me. It also triggered me though. I have been eating a load of shit lately. I should never have started with the chocolate or ‘forbidden’ foods because now I eat chocolate every single day and am eating more meals like a glutton. Like today all I’ve done is sit on my arse…not even..slouching whilst propped up on pillows, and I’ve had:
3 bites of a snickers bar
a cup of normal tea with one sugar (I would NEVER normally drink ceylon tea)
a slice of rye toast with one friend egg and a tablespoon avocado
a cup of rooibos tea with one sugar and a rusk
a cup of chai tea (the powder with no additives) with a tsp of honey and a nougat biscuit
a tsp of peanut butter and a slice of mozzarella with a thin layer of marmite

I mean OMG. shitshitshit. Supper is salad and hot water. I haven’t counted calories in 3 days either because I’ve just been too tired and…no. I lie. I haven’t done it because I am too shit scared to make a note of all the calories I am consuming. Thank you festival for putting my entire routine out and ruining everything. I feel very very antsy. And not being able to exercise this week is absolutely KILLING me! Fat day turned into fat week. I am 54.8kg which means I’ve gone from 53.5 to basically 55kg in a week…A WEEK! Ok, I can’t keep doing this. I feel so fat. And for the last hour I’ve been feeling hungry but I keep ignoring it because it’s not 6pm yet. I will not eat supper until after 6pm. I mean for hecksake, I’ve eaten tons today and my body still wants more. I need to stop eating junk. That will help. I know eating junk does this to me so why do I do it to myself, lol. Idiot. Must get self-control back.

It is also time for a cigarette. That always helps.

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