I am having a fat day. Not just a ‘argh I feel fat’ but an ‘omg I’m out of control look at the rolls of grossness what the fuck I can’t be seen in public’ kind of fat day.
It’s just past 2pm and i’ve had a whopping 700-odd calories!!! Thanks to a smoothie this morning which cost me 300 plus due to this sudden insatiable hunger for peanut butter and chocolate. Also protein. I feel like I could eat a whole jar of peanut butter/tin of tuna/slab of cheese/chicken…and I don’t even like chicken anymore. This last week all I wanted was chicken. Especially toasted chicken mayo sandwiches. I’ve been eating tons of chocolate too. Must. Cut. Out. Chocolate.
Granted I’ve been up and about a bit more but still! I blame the festival for ruining my routine. I get this hunger that I feel I will never be able to fill. I want to eat anything and everything. This afternoon I furiously shovelled baked beans into my mouth until I couldn’t fit any more in and then I spat it all out in disgust. ‘What the hell are you doing you fat pig?!’ ‘Just ignore the hunger. Where is your self control. Look at how fat you are.’
And I was having a relatively thin day on Saturday. I even weighed myself, 54kg in the evening, which I was kind of okay with. Ana wasn’t pleased that I seem to be stuck on 54kg but after being slack in calorie counting and then realising I’m consuming close on 1000 a day and have stayed the same weight, I wasn’t upset. It hadn’t gone up. Which is amazing.
But now I feel sick. Horrible horrible words going around my head. I want to run or do sit ups or squats…ANYTHING! I feel like a gelatinous blob sitting in my car. I am so disgusted.