Calories and Passive Therapists

So my calorie intake has shot up. Granted I’m a lot more active with prepping for festival that starts tomorrow, plus yoga 3 times a week, studying nutrition and hula hooping nearly every day. I mean yesterday I ate 1018 calories yesterday but burnt off a good 800 of those making sure I just kept moving.

I also blame the increase on this smoothie a friend got me hooked onto. The smoothie is near 200 calories because it includes a whole banana plus 3 tbsp double cream yoghurt. The reason I’m drinking it is because it’s a protein style shake using pea protein, hemp powder, raw cacao and superfood powder (maca and stuff). I don’t really like meat (only eat fish occasionally) which means very little protein and I need to tone up. So I figure Ensure has 230 cals per serving so at least this is less plus is full of nutrients. It’s not empty calories. But it’s still a lot of calories :/

I also saw my therapist on Tuesday. I spoke. Then we sat in silence for a while. Then I spoke again, reiterating that I don’t know what to do, I’m sucked in so deep, I have so many barriers I feel dead inside. I cried for two seconds before the walls came up. Then we sat in silence again. She affirmed that I sound very depressed and that I appear to be completely consumed by this eating disorder. And then I went home.

No suggestions or help of any sort. Nothing. So I leave and I continue to plod on through each day like a zombie. Some days I can get through,  others I don’t want to leave my bed and get snappy or teary. Those are the days when I just don’t have the energy to put on my mask. So now what?

I don’t know. I’m stuck in limbo. And I have no one to turn to. No one who can help. How can they help when can’t even help myself.

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