Uncensored Anger

Trigger Warning

I am in a foul mood this morning. I woke up at 6:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep because I suddenly realised I have a lot on my plate. Stupid stuff when I think about it, but suddenly it was ALL there in the forefront of my mind:
Can’t go to new house sit in the afternoon, will need to go this morning some time before pick up Munchkin. Need to do some work on free Nutrition course from Coursera that I signed up for. Shit, must start week 2 of The Artist’s Way. Didn’t even finish some of the tasks from week 1. Crap I’m failing at this already. FFS why am I hungry. No, have eaten horribly since Friday, must stop stuffing face. Will detox today. OMG band practice on Thursday morning. Is tomorrow a public holiday? Oh yes…wonder if I’m au pairing then. Must find out. Must research Dietician courses. Is this something I want to do. Must put together work for Wednesday night. Must pack for house sit tonight. Shit, need to buy boyfriend a birthday present for weekend. Which means there will be a BBQ or something on Saturday. Yoga tonight after work. Why hasn’t my gynae replied? Must phone her. Argh, using up all my airtime and data so quickly. Need to talk to Dad about his sudden lapse into teenage behaviour…I mean drinking and driving and hanging out with a group of people my age who also happen to be my friends.

That was all as I opened my eyes this morning. Get out laptop to do some work for Wednesday night and come across a status by a friend of mine about people bitching about being sick: “OK so for all the people who believe that their life is terrible, they are so sick and believe that what they go through everyday is unbearably painful.” then goes on: “how about you stick your hand in a candle flame for 2 minutes then visit burn victims in the children’s hospital in order to see what real suffering is like. Be fucking grateful.” So THAT ticked me off because I was like, who the fuck are you to judge you self righteous fucking bastard. I suffer from chronic illness, mental and physical, this does not make my pain any less worthy than others. FFS. I am so fed up of people undermining my illness because you cannot see it or because I am not going through chemo or whatever. Honestly, I have prayed to have cancer so many times I’ve lost count. Give me cancer. Give me an illness that people can see so that I can stop being in pain and have people telling me it’s either in my head or not so bad.

THEN my dad messages me to ask if I can bring the guitar to his place so we can rehearse for our gig this Friday. SAY WHAT?! He never told me we were performing this Friday! So I try to calmly tell him this, not sure I succeeded because in reality I already want to rip his stupid head off and now this. Oh, no apparently he did tell me because he asked if he could change the date due to a friend’s birthday. But did he get back to me and confirm? NO. As per usual I am left to be the goddamn parent. Can he not just grow up and take responsibility and actually be a parent!!!??? Why must I run after him. Why must I lecture him about drinking and driving? Why must I motivate him to get off his fat fucking ass and do some work? Why must I remind him about stuff all the time? Why must I bite my tongue as he max’s out every credit card just like he did years ago because he can’t be arsed to work and insists on buying stuff for all and sundry. Or buying more computer games he doesn’t need or play then feeling sorry for himself because his car needs fixing but he doesn’t have the money! OMG HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO STUPID!!!

Jeez, this is borderline coming through guys and girls. I am so angry I am shaking. I feel out of control. I have chocolate in my drawer (the one I hoard food in) and I want to shove the whole bag of them in my mouth, angrily, fast, so I can just chew and chew and pretend like I will eat them…then spit them all out like I normally do. I want to scratch at my skin. I want to cut.

Omg I want to cut. 2 and a half years clean and I want to shred myself to bits. I want to cry too. I can feel it there. And whilst I type this my head is telling me that I should be working. I should be going to the house sit. I need to be rehearsing for Friday. I need to be learning songs for Thursday so I can impress this new band. I still need to pack as well.

I am going for a smoke.

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