Been doing a ton of research the last few days to try and figure out what kind of tests I should be looking at and how to sort out my health. I am at the end of my rope, sitting here feeling nauseous again. I haven’t been able to fully recover from my flare-up last Saturday, which is unusual, and for the last 3 days I’ve had pelvic pain start up again, which is slowly increasing. In fact, my physical illness right now has caused Ana to become quieter. She’s still there, but I’ve been too tired and sore to eat much anyway. And now weighing 53kg/117lb means for the last few days I’ve been kind of okay with eating. Granted I’m still only eating ‘safe’ foods, but at least I’ve managed 3 small meals a day since Thursday.
I actually chatted to a friend today and she asked why I don’t consider studying nutrition. She mentioned she had a friend with an ED that studied nutrition and Pilates and turned her ED around by focussing on health. I’ve been saving to do my yoga instructors course and realised I’d be super interested in studying nutrition. I already read a lot about it and I would love to be able to help others with well rounded approach to body-mind-spirit. I always think that there must be a reason why I have gone through all I have and often feel called to help others. I started on my counselling courses via Lifeline beginning of this year and also studied Metaphysical counselling in 2008. I am definitely drawn towards helping and healing so thinking it’s a good idea. If I can put my experience to good use then perhaps all the abuse, ill health, bad choices and time spent in clinics will not seem like such a waste. Though I suppose life is all about the journey and learning, so even the worst experiences shouldn’t be counted as a waste.
Most of the time I find it difficult to see the positive of my journey. In my head I’m nearly 27 and have achieved next to nothing other than a ton of inpatient treatment and lessons on ‘what not to do’! But is this not achievement? So I spent most of my life learning the hard way. Would I be a complete twat right now if I hadn’t had humbling experiences? Would I be able to tune in to others if I hadn’t gone through nearly every negative experience you can think of? I mean, I look back and go, “OMG, how am I still standing??” The list includes an emotionally abusive, paedophile father; an emotionally absent mother with binge eating disorder and serious body hate issues; a paedophile grandfather; emotionally and physically abusive relationships (often with addicts), rape, severe bullying in school, even bullied by a teacher or two; the sudden death of a family member; the suicide of my mum’s boyfriend who was practically family (and a week after I had been released from inpatient after my own attempt); constant lung and chest infections as a kid; developing asthma; having my stomach pumped when I was 2; being held down in sheets to have stitches put in; being in a horrid car accident; stomach issues; severe stomach bugs developing into more stomach issues; developing an eating disorder, being diagnosed with Herpes thanks to a cheating, coke addicted ex who blew gay guys for..well, blow…and on and on and on. I never…and I mean NEVER seem to catch a break! If I could count how many times I have looked up at the sky and angrily asked why the hell I can’t just have even one year without some kind of trauma. Though in all honesty as far as drama goes, the last two years have been kind of peaceful!
I sound like a drama queen. I am, lol. But I have also been through a lot. I’m not saying I’m the only one, and I’m not saying ‘oh poor me’ because I know every single person on this planet has their story and each person views different events as traumatic. I cannot diminish or enhance my experiences, they simply are what they are to me. And so I am beginning to think that I need to use this to find some purpose. That perhaps it’s time I stop undermining myself and try help others via my experiences. It’s scary as all heck and that horrid little voice always says, “well who are you to give others advice?” but maybe I can start small.
My first step however is to sort out my health. I cannot give more energy than I have and right now I barely have enough to get out of bed most days. Let’s hope my gynae gets back to me this week.
Also, writing this has been interesting. I am not in borderline-brain at all and I can feel it. Almost like an outside observer. My therapist often says it’s almost like I am two people; in a totally non-split-personality type way, haha.
But enough rambling for one night.