So true to my word I have not touch a bite of food today. It is now 1:30pm. I have been in bed the whole day researching stomach stuff. Looking at misdiagnosis for IBS, reading up about tests that can be done, other illness symptoms that mimic IBS, second opinions, elimination diets, elemental diets; you name it.
I refuse to eat until I stop hurting inside. Until I stop feeling bruised and sore and exhausted. Why eat when it obviously isn’t helping me. I don’t want to face the world tomorrow. Contemplating leaving my boyfriend’s place and just going home tonight where I will stay in bed. I am tired of fighting and I am tired of doctors not giving a shit. I am tired of being told it’s all in my head to the point where I actually hate myself because I believe this is all my fault, that I am sick because I am making myself sick. I do yoga, I have cut out stress (even turning down a job for one of the biggest makeup brands and leaving the fashion industry behind), I practice deep breathing, living in the moment. I have cut out all sorts of foods but even juicing can leave me sick and sore with whatever flare-up or attacks I seem to get. And all this before I started restricting. The restricting simply started because no matter what I did I was suffering all the time anyway. So I started seeing all food as poison and now I barely eat at all. Because I have a history of EDNOS, this just aggravated it and now not only do I sit with whatever this illness is but I am also controlled by my ED.
I figure if I just stop eating, not only will I stop the pain but at some point I may end up in hospital and perhaps then doctors will take me seriously. I hope I am lying on my fucking death bed soon. I hope I am hooked up to drips and that doctors will finally run tests. I want people around me to stop thinking I’m making this all up. I want them to physically SEE the pain I am in on the inside. I am fed up of being a joke, especially to myself. I hate my body and I keep going between self loathing because this is all in my head and anger at the world because it can’t all be in my head. I don’t know what to believe any more but I have had enough of being sick like this. This is not living.