So far this week so far I have averaged 200 calories a day. I literally cannot bring myself to eat. I keep going backwards and forwards between logic and Ana, it’s like this huge fight going on inside my head and it’s driving me nuts. One day I say okay, I’ll eat more but stay healthy and then I can exercise and rather build muscle and health then the next minute I’m freaking out and feeling sick and angry.
Today I was hungry but at the same time food just didn’t appeal at all. But I decided to sit down and eat some supper (salad with a few chickpeas) and as I am eating I just start feeling sick to my stomach. My head is actually making me physically sick. I view food with a beady eye, seeing poison instead of nutrients. I mean, how bizarre can you possibly get. This isn’t the normal “I want to be thin”, “I hate myself” vibe. Okay, I mean, I don’t like what I see and I do want to feel my ribs and hip bones sticking out. I love it when my stomach caves in and the bones in my chest stand out. It makes me feel as frail on the outside as I have always felt on the inside. It externalizes how I FEEL, making it more visible and tangible. I suppose having chronic illness that no one can see is a pain because everyone just expects you to be okay all the time and sometimes I am just too tired or in too much pain to move: BUT no one can SEE it so therefore I am making it up. This way people can see it, see the fragility I feel. But there is more to this. I seem to have a legitimate mind block against food. I look at it and I don’t see nutrients. I eat it and I don’t feel like it is feeding my body. I see unappealing crap and I feel like each bite is poison.
I heard back from my therapist and she has suggested I start working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. At first I was angry. “How in hell is a stupid book going to help me?!” But I stepped outside of this emotional mind and thought, “what have I got to lose really?” So I got a hold of my mum’s copy and started reading this afternoon. It makes sense so far, although I’m still not sure how it will help. Perhaps sorting out my mind and rediscovering myself will automatically make the ED thoughts fall away. It’s obviously a coping technique. Or is it? It was at first. Now I’m not sure. I do know I am now seeing the mental illness side of it because as many times as I try to eat or say I will be better, I actually have no control over it any more. I think that’s the scariest thing. I feel like I have split personalities. It seems defeatist but I now know I cannot recover on my own.
I am going to listen to my therapist and work through The Artist’s Way. I still never got past chapter 3 of my Thrive book though, so what I am going to do is check in here every day, or at least once a week, for the whole 12 weeks that the book runs through. I feel that by posting the activities and such on here I will be more accountable and actually finish it. I suck at finishing stuff.
Right now I am going to sit in front of the fire place and continue reading. Today is day one, week one.