Still in a bad head space. I can’t seem to shake it. Complete melt down today in terms of food and emotions. I chewed and spat out a ton of stuff, then ended up making 3 different meals for supper (after hardly eating today) and then pretty much throwing them all away. Made one, had a bite, couldn’t stomach it. Made another, took it downstairs, had two bites, couldn’t stomach it. Made another and ate half of it because at least it tasted good. But it was scrambled eggs and the calorie content has now freaked me out. And my fridge is nearly empty as most of the food is now in the bin. What a waste. And another thing to feel totally guilty about. woohoo.
I’m exhausted. I can’t access whatever emotions are behind this. I can’t keep myself from standing on the scale like some crazed, hardcore druggie. I started crying in yoga today and at the first feel of a tear on my cheek I shut down. BAM. Walls up, shutters down, the works. Probably hence the no eating. I don’t even know why on earth I wanted to cry. And not a chance in hell am I crying in front of people. People don’t like crying. It scares them. Hell, it scares me now too.
I just emailed my therapist. I want help but I don’t. It’s the paradox of any ED where one is aware of the behaviour. Having been down this road before I’m not an idiot and I can see exactly what’s going on but I’ve spiralled so quickly that the depth of this is drowning me. Ana has taken over so fast and so totally in just 3 months that I feel like I’ve never been without her. I have been on pro-ana sites and in a new tab there is a recovery meal plan example scaring the shit out of me. Anyway, I sent the email before I could chicken out. It was long and stupid and I wish I hadn’t sent it. But right now am in complete Borderline mode and feel like I’ve lost all control. It was a rash decision. Maybe it’ll go to her spam folder. God I hope it does. I can’t eat 2000 calories a day! I can’t end up back in the hospital. But I can’t let go.
I’m beginning to see my dilemma here. No wonder I feel so scattered and agitated and anxious and trapped…
I need to try get some sleep. It’s Monday tomorrow but thank heavens I have the day off work. I will face Tuesday when it gets here. Right now I just need to make it through tonight and tomorrow.