Bad Bad Headspace

I feel like crap. Racked with guilt and feeling sick and and and. After the weekend away and all the eating and being fed, then restricting so much on the Monday that I nearly passed out at yoga and spent the night awake feeling sick and hungry, everything is a mess. My week has looked like this:

736 calories (mum came over for supper so had to have supper. Could only stomach some chickpeas so had to have Ensure which is 250 calories).  Jog on the beach with dogs, 1 hour yoga (strength and core), walking up and down stairs a ton.

991 calories. Jog on the beach  with dogs, 1 hour yoga (strength and core), walking up and down stairs.

802 calories. 1 hour of walking, walking up and down stairs, 20 minute Tracy Anderson workout.

769 calories. 2 hours of walking, 5 minute Tracy Anderson workout.

1053 calories. 1 hour yoga (was disappointed as ended up being mostly stretching class), 20 minute Tracy Anderson workout, walking up and down stairs, 30 minute brisk walk with dogs.

Saturday (Today)
so far 610 calories. Woke up and did 30 minutes of yoga plus went for a jog with the dogs for 30 minutes. Then up and down stairs a lot, I always try do this quickly to get better benefit.

Right now I feel like a big, fat, uncontrolled pig. I want to scream and feel like shoving my fingers down my throat; although it would be pointless as it would never rid me of the calories I have consumed this week. I was proud of myself for listening to my body, for being honest with my therapist and for trying to be fit and healthy instead of restricting. I was so proud when I went out to an actual restaurant last night with my mum and ate a whole slice of pizza plus half a slice of tiramisu (cream and alcohol and biscuits are serious fear foods) and was able to quieten the voice of Ana. It was so good to feel all that but suddenly this afternoon I started feeling the guilt and shame. When I went over my calories for this week on MFP it just got worse. I cannot believe I have eaten so much!

And why does this matter? Why do calories matter? Why should I freak out over 800-odd calories a day when my RMR is about 1300?? Why do I feel so agitated and sick right now? I don’t even know what suddenly triggered me. I started feeling a bit edgy this morning when I knew I’d have to eat breakfast after working out; my mum was with me and, to be honest, I felt hungry. Then I started feeling hungry a lot, like I have most of the week, and it freaks me out so I try not to eat. But eventually I do and then I feel bad and even more hungry. I felt most triggered after eating lunch at 2pm: quarter cup rice, quarter cup chickpeas and 1/2 cup tomato and rocket plus one slice mozzarella cheese. Also I had cucumber which was slightly spongy but I ate a slice and it tasted fine. However with my emetophobia I decided to Google and realised I shouldn’t eat it, so chucked it out, but already felt sick because I’d eaten one slice. And logically I know that one slice won’t kill me but now I sit and feel anxious and berate myself for not being more careful, how stupid, “you idiot, you know not to eat anything that is past it’s sell-by date”, “it’s your greed that made you eat that”, “you’re eating so much, what’s wrong with you”, “you pig”, “you’re so fat”, and so on until it spirals out to this.

I’m going to go write a list of stuff I want to do and achieve that only a healthy body will allow. Try change my focus because right now I am in the worst space.





3 thoughts on “Bad Bad Headspace

  1. I’m so sorry that you are feeling the way you do. This sounds like such a struggle. Don’t forget we’re all works on progress. Just take one day at a time. And when it becomes too much, take some time to meditate. Close your eyes, focus on your breathe for twenty minutes. No one feels worse after meditation, only better. I wish you well and much happiness.

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