Obsession

“You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ~ Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls.

I just love that quote. 

It also has nothing to do with this post.

After the weekend of feeling like I had more food than I ever want to face again, I couldn’t wait to be on my own. No set meals, no force feeding or pressure to eat. Pure bliss. 
Today I had…
9am-ish: hot chocolate
11:30am-ish: tsp no-sugar-no-salt peanut butter
Cleaned the kitchen.
Went for a jog on the beach with the dogs (I am house sitting again), about 30 minutes
1:30pm: 1 thin slice rye with 1/4 avocado, 3 slices tomato, 4 slice cucumber, some rocket, thin slice mozzarella cheese, salt and pepper. Ate it over an hour. Rooibos tea, 1 sugar.
4pm: frozen grape ice bite (frozen water and grape juice)
5:10pm: bite of rusk, 1/2 tsp no-sugar-no-salt peanut butter
6pm: An hour of yoga. Felt queasy and shaky though. Probably should have eaten a proper snack.
8pm-ish: Mum came over and we made some chickpea salad. I made some Ensure. Tried nibbling some salad but stomach was not feeling it so had Ensure instead. Nibble the chickpeas (2 tbsp) out of my bowl a while after Ensure.

Still feel queasy. It’s the most bizarre queasiness though, I feel sick but my stomach is burning and I feel hungry. But not hungry for just anything, I feel hungry for sugary things like hot chocolate or a rusk or toast and marmalade. I feel sick but hungry at the thought of food. Have taken an anti nausea tablet as worried it is something I ate or maybe a bug. Emetophobia kicking in you see. Anti nausea has also kicked in and feeling a little spacey and sleepy. 

I realised again today that this ED has consumed my life. I spent most of my day sitting alone in the house researching and reading up on BMR (1166 calories if I literally sleep all day) and how many calories certain activities burn (did you know that applying makeup burns 108 cals per hour? Or that typing on my laptop is burning 81 cals per hour), the weight and height of celebrities (JLO has a BMI of 25 apparently) and then Googling their pictures to see how I compare to those closest to my height and weight range, if hair loss is part of anorexia (it is), best workout plans to tone up (hello Tracy Anderson workouts!) and best negative calorie foods (yes, apples are on the list).
Shame on me. Also, the hair loss thing is starting to freak me out. In the shower this morning, after my jog, I had tons of hair coming out whilst washing and conditioning. My hairbrush doesn’t look much better. I keep cleaning it but every day there is a new web of hair. 

Seeing my therapist again on Wednesday. Fun. Oh, and  weighed myself. 54kg. That’s 119lb now. I treated myself by adding the avo on toast to my lunch without feeling guilt ridden. Isn’t my life exciting…

 

 

 

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