Away for the weekend with my boyfriend, his mum (Hereforth known as Mil because Mum-in-law=Mil) and her friend. I was completely looking forward to it, even when I heard we’d be having supper tonight to celebrate Mil’s birthday. Then Mil sent me the menu as dinner at lodge must be pre-ordered. It’s a four course set menu with the richest foods and a main including steak.
Number one: I can’t eat rich foods due to IBS.
Two: I don’t eat red meat.
Three: OMG. WTF. 4 COURSES!
I immediately wanted to cry. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I didn’t want to waste her money. I also know there is NO way I can eat so much regardless of what food it is. I get full of half a cup of rice krispies! In the end it turns out I can just order mains and desert and they’ll sub the steak with steamed veg. I spent the rest of the day stressing.
Dinner rolls round and I don’t feel hungry at all. I force down each bite, it tastes good but all I can think of is how the hell I’m going to eat it all. It gets to the point where I’m pushing veg under the salad so it looks like I’ve eaten more. I feel so full! Eventually plates are taken away but I can feel eyes on me, especially Mil’s, who asks if even that was too much. I just nod and mumble thank you.
Then it’s desert. All portions were gourmet sizes so far so I figure desert will be the same. But no. A full slice of cheesecake arrives. With cream. Omgomgomg! I can’t finish that!
I eat a bite and it tastes amazing. Light and fluffy and tangy. I can have a bit, it’s not a train smash. I don’t even get half way and I feel sick with panic. I’m going to make myself feel ill if I eat more. But I can’t waste. I’m such a let down. I’ve totally wasted Mil’s money and by this point there are a few jokey comments going around about my eating. Even the server is looking at me funny. I feel sick to my stomach. The good thing is I did manage to talk myself through it and carried on chatting. I did waste but I didn’t have a panic attack or throw up.
Tomorrow there is a breakfast service though. I’m terrified and this holiday is turning into more stress than relaxation. I can’t do a whole wkend of this. I just can’t. All I wanted was to relax after a hectic week and enjoy the company of people I dearly love and now I just want to hole up in the room…or in the jacuzzi bath (yes! There is a Jacuzzi bath!!). I wish food wasn’t such a big deal in society.
I am going to make the best of this. I can’t let food ruin it.