Everyone has food aversions. Something you don’t like or maybe had a bad experience with. But what if you have an aversion to food as a whole? What then??
Today I have eaten a quarter cup of oats. I’ve had a hot chocolate and some water to drink. It is 2:15pm. I think I feel hunger pangs, I know I feel a bit hollow, but I actually want to gag when I think of food. Nothing tastes right. Even the Ensure I drink when I battle to eat is not appealing. And hot chocolate, my absolute indulgence, has lost it’s mouthgasm quality. I don’t like food.
After my horrific IBS flare-up on Friday night it’s taken me 4 days just to be able to eat without being in pain, without feeling like every mouth full of even the blandest, softest foods was a mouth full of toxic poison. And after this experience food lost the last bit of appeal it had for me. I generally stand in the kitchen and nothing I can think of is even remotely appetising. I get agitated because it’s eating time and I know if I want to be able to walk straight I need to eat SOMETHING. So I end up nibbling a bite of this and a mouthful of that and then I feel guilty for nibbling when I didn’t feel like eating in the first place!
It’s 4:45pm now. I picked Munchkin up from school and as per usual, I nibbled whilst I made her lunch. I had 2 tbsp’s of Moroccan chicken soup and then decided to just have the slice of rye with peanut butter and the half a gem squash I had brought with me for lunch. I made a cup of hot water and ate the squash. Felt full. Nibbled toast. Ate the slice over half an hour. Now I feel hungry. I hate that, I get to a point where I don’t feel the hunger at all and then I’ll eat something because I’m either working with food or feel like I’ve been good with my calories so can treat myself to some food, and the hunger starts up. It’s worse to feel that hunger but not feel anything except a mild gag reflex when you think of eating anything.
I want to weigh myself but I don’t know how to without it being suspicious. I really need to buy my own scale. If I go to Munchkin’s parent’s bathroom instead of guest bathroom it might seem bit odd. Usually I use the excuse of ‘no toilet paper’ in the bathroom so that I can use her parent’s one and stand on the scale whilst the toilet is flushing. God forbid I should give this child any of my eating issues! I already find it so hard to make her lunch as I have no idea, like NO IDEA, what portion sizes are normal any more. I find at times I want to heap her plate up with food but at the same time I want to measure out a tablespoon or half a cup or 5 grains of salt, or whatever.
My head hurts. My bladder is paining because I need to pee but want to find some excuse to use the other bathroom first. I may wet myself. Isn’t that ridiculous? I’d rather sit here feeling like my bladder will pop just so that I can see those numbers on the scale. It’s been at least a week since I last stood on a scale. I NEED to know. I crave it like a drug. That sick, sweet relief of knowing if the week was a good one or a bad one.
This illness make even me shake my head in disappointment. How lame am I.