Round and Round

I’m home and in bed feeling like crap. My stomach is sore and I had to take an anti nausea tablet plus my IBS kicked in and I kept having to run to bathroom with horrid stomach cramps. It’s times like this I remember why I don’t eat. Because the hunger is better than this. Anything is better than this!

I started off with a mug if hot water and nibbled a handful of chips. Then I had a salticrax biscuit and a friend shared half a chocolate cupcake with me. I had another mug hot water whilst the boys finished braaing and I felt okay until I ate half a veg sausage, a piece of avo and a rocket leaf or two. Then I felt full, then sick, then really sick. Then stomach started cramping, anxiety kicked in, nausea kicked in, music was too loud, room suddenly felt cramped and people too busy. Too much food. Everyone eating. I felt even worse, all the food and eating and smells! I ended up taking an a pill and then we left.

Now lying in bed with hot water bottle.  Feel sick, stomach rumbling madly and then I get weird ‘hunger’ type pangs. I know I’ll probably end up not sleeping much, as per normal when this happens. I feel angry at myself and angry at my body. Why is it punishing me!! I won’t fucking eat then!! I feel awful and for what?!

I also had the girl I recently offended comment on my eating. She laughed at my little bit of supper and later on someone tried to feed me a cracker with liver spread (I mean…eeew) and I kept saying no so she said, “oh she had supper already. A whole half a sausage and like two lettuce leaves.” I was on my way to bathroom and heard her say something like, “no really, that’s all she ate!” Bit later I was chatting to them and she commented on my weight and said it looks like I don’t eat at all, so I blamed it on my IBS. She then suggested a mostly raw-vegan diet because her grandmother has terrible IBS and it’s helped her. Beginning to think it’s about the only option I have if I plan on eating at all.

Hell, right now it feels like my entire digestive system is performing gymnastics 😦 Feeling very sorry for myself and very over this cycle.

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