I’m at a birthday braai/bbq. I started feeling sick as I was getting dressed and putting my makeup on. I figured it might be due to not eating much today. I also had a tablespoon of baked beans from the fridge that tasted funny, and I spat them out. But my food phobia still made me feel anxious. My mum ate them and said they were absolutely fine.

Then I clicked: I’m going to an event that revolves around food, with a few people I recently offended. Anxiety is a bitch. Really felt sick in the car on the way here and nearly asked my boyfriend to pull over. I also nearly backed out of showing up at all. But it’s my best friend’s boyfriend’s party and I can’t let her down.

I’m on the couch in the corner. The small room is full of people and the loud rock music is not helping. I feel so unsafe, out of place and disconnected from all these people. Disconnected from normality. Can they see through me? I feel awkward around the girl I recently offended even though I know it’s probably in my head. I want to get up and run, run home and hide in bed. What’s going to happen when we eat?? I don’t want to eat. I’ve nibbled a chip or two but a whole meal?

Oh my stomach hurts. Get me out of here.


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