Today I have eaten 378 calories and went for a walk around the shops to run some errands. Seems I’m over compensating for having asked for help. Ana is all, “oh challenge accepted you tattle tail!” and I happily go into frantic protection mode because I’m feeling terrified and a tad out of control.
My therapist replied to me and I’m not going to attempt to explain, I’d rather share what she wrote as it was very insightful and perhaps it will help someone else too:
“It feels to me that when you went for those sessions of hypnosis something deep inside you that is very threatening was stirred. I have been aware that very old defences / ways of coping have been activated in you since that time. An eating disorder is a very comforting way of protecting oneself, because if one is completely fixated and obsessed with food all the time, there is no space in ones mind for whatever is lying underneath it. It can keep one feeling safe from something underneath that is quite scary or out of control. It feels as if you are very much needing to control things at the moment. That you are holding on very tightly and rigidly to food – I hear that it is stressing you out and driving you crazy – but it really feels to me like it is helping you cope with something else.
Any idea what that is? What are you dreaming? If you quiet your mind and enter into a meditative space and keep coming back to watching your breath go in and out of your body, what sorts of thoughts come into your mind? If you sit with a piece of paper and some paints without thinking of anything specific, and without any agenda, what comes out on the page? If you put your pen on a page of your journal and just write without sensoring yourself what tumbles onto the page?
I suggest you make a space in your day, each day (just for 30 minutes), where you give yourself permission, just for a short while not to cling to food, and see what comes up in you.”
I feel the email above is very valid and I’m keen to try sitting with this and see what comes up. I actually have a chakra meditation event tonight and to be honest it does scare me; to have to sit still and be with my thoughts and access my energy. I’m afraid of what it will bring up and am terrified I’ll end up in a puddley mess of tears in front of everyone.
But, worst case? I walk out and go drown myself in cigarettes and karaoke at the local pub. Seems a bit counter productive but hey, one baby step at a time.