I emailed my therapist. I told her that I am really struggling with my eating and that I am exhausted of going around in circles. I told her that I am not underweight and I am eating around 700 calories a day but that I think I need help. That my life revolves around food and it’s sucking the life out of me.
I nearly didn’t send it but I hit the button before I could change my mind. Before Ana could change my mind. After I sent it I sat for a minute and let what I had done sink in. I felt a mixture of regret, anxiety, relief, guilt and fear; so much fear. She replied saying that she would get back to me with an appointment asap. So now I have set the ball in motion. I feel like an attention seeker, like somehow I have let myself and everyone else down because I should be able to deal with this on my own after being in treatment before. I know what I need to do. How do I explain that I cannot control this any more? How do I explain that it’s not as easy as just stopping? I wish I were stronger, but I’m not. Perhaps there is strength in asking for help though. Swallowing my pride and my fears and saying, “I am not okay like this.”
I know that this disorder is a coping mechanism linked to my other disorders, especially IBS and anxiety. My anxiety has been under more control than it has been for a long time and I have not missed the constant panic attacks, nausea and racing heart. But I know it is the ED that is keeping it in check, it’s not gone, just hidden behind a wall of preoccupation with food. I am prepping myself because I know that facing my ED means facing all the other things beneath it. It’s the band aid over a wound that needed stitches.
In the meantime I wait for my appointment and take it one day at a time.