So I have been eating more over the last week and suffered the heart burn, constant headaches, bloating, discomfort, mild nausea, guilt, etc. My calorie intake for last week has been this:
Monday – 1094
Tuesday – 821
Wednesday – 895
Thursday – 694
Friday – 591
Saturday – 983
Sunday – 863
Yesterday – 719
And so far today:
Breakfast: a cup of hot water and half a rusk and 2 squares dark chocolate.
Lunch: slice rye with marmalade. 1 rusk. cup hot water.
So I realise that’s a bit all over the place. I thought I’d been eating about 1000 every day but obviously not…oops. Physically I feel awful. And my IBS is just flaring up more again. I know part of it is anxiety about upping intake but the biggest reason I’m in this place is because I declared war on food due to it just making me feel crap 90% of the time. A switch just flipped in my head one day. With IBS I had to cut out so much stuff that I wasn’t enjoying food any more and with a history of eating disordered behaviour this is all a very successful recipe for disaster.
So now I ask, how am I supposed to up my intake when my IBS flare-ups just set me back to square one? I see above there is a pattern. I start increasing my intake and after a few days I feel awful, sitting up at night with heartburn and nausea, not feeling very hungry during the day, my digestive system feels bruised and inflamed. So of course my intake decreases. After a day or two I start feeling ravenously hungry so up my intake and so it keeps going, round and round, over and over. I do wonder how much is IBS and how much is psychosomatic, but either way I feel I’m stuck in a hamster wheel.
I don’t want to be in this place. I wish I could just never eat again! It’s a useless mechanism. Surely we can evolve out of it?! Lol. Right.
Okay, seriously though, I don’t know what to do. I am not clinically underweight at 1.7m/5″6 and 55kg/121lb so no one is noticing too much. I have always eaten like a bird and I’ve withdrawn from a lot of social stuff so my eating habits are not that noticeable either. Which means I would have to speak up. But if I do then I am just looking for attention. But if I don’t I am stuck here with these thoughts, with Ana, with feeling sick and sore and not being able to get out on my own. I am also terrified. If I say something, not only do I feel like a complete attention seeker and failure (for falling off the bandwagon yet again) but it means I have to get better and face this. I do…but I don’t. I keep telling myself I’m not really sick…I feel like I’m not so bad so why say anything. And if I recover I am terrified of getting fat, of going in the opposite direction. I have read enough ED blogs to know I am not alone in this, but what if it’s true! What if I get really fat and can’t stop eating 😦 I was thinking, what with being really into yoga, I’d love to have a beautiful, healthy, fit body. I want to be able to go for a jog, to continue building my strength in yoga and to gain muscle and be firm and strong. But I can’t do it whilst my head is in this space. Half the time I feel too sick to do much. I want to cry now. I feel so trapped.
I’m going to do some Googling and I will also consider emailing my therapist. This is a mask I do not want to wear and I am fed up of Ana and her nasty, guilt-inducing dialogue. I am tired of hiding all my emotion behind this. Inside I have a dam of tears and around me is a brick wall so impenetrable that even I am battling to access my true self. If I can get rid of this one label, this knot in the ribbon of my life, then perhaps I can start unravelling the others. Also I look a wreck. My skin is bad from picking at it, it’s pale and dull. My hair is dry and keeps falling out. My tummy is covered in burn marks from hot water bottles and still has flab. The scars on my wrists are standing out terribly, never mind my tendons and veins popping out. I want to glow again.
I’m going to end off now and sit with this for a bit. I still feel so confused.