I just read this quote: “Think back to 5 years ago. Think of where you’re at today. Think ahead 5 years and think of what you want to accomplish. Be unstoppable.”
Okay, most of that quote is pretty lame and it had The Rock flexing a bicep on it, but the part about looking back 5 years and then looking at where you are now was pretty eye opening. I don’t think I’ve stood back and thought about that, well, ever.
Where was I 5 years ago? 2009. It was the year following my first admittance to a government psych ward (for severe depression and self harm). I was dating a drug addict. I was anorexic, or something like it, and restricting heavily. I could barely go out in public due to anxiety. I was admitted to a government therapeutic psych ward due to said eating disorder and remained there for 3 months until just before Christmas. No wait…that was 2010? Hell, I have an entire year missing from my memory. Right, well, whatever. I was a big, fat wreck. Skinny wreck. Whatever. My mind feels very fragmented now. The point is I was a lot more of a mess and a lot less aware/educated/willing to fight. I made shitty choices and was horribly co-dependent. I acted impulsively, I was still cutting. In other words I’ve actually come a heck of a lot further than I realized! My therapist said something along these lines the other day but they didn’t sink in because I hadn’t actually thought about it and acknowledged what a fighter I have been. I have grown so much.
Now if only I could sort out the rest! This stupid eating disorder and my hypochondria for starters. Today, by the by, I ate an entire 53g Tempo Cadbury’s bar! All 278 calories of it. I was working on a model portfolio workshop doing makeup and around 3pm, after being on my feet working non stop for 4 hours, I suddenly felt really dizzy. So I went to the snack box and grabbed half the chocolate because it was easiest and because it would give me the sugar I needed to keep going. We worked straight through till 5:30pm and I ate the other half because I could. Because the last proper thing I’d eaten was a peanut butter sandwich at 10:30am and I figured having only eaten 400-odd calories it wouldn’t matter. Man did it taste good. It’s the first full chocolate bar I have eaten in…3 months I think. I nibble a square of dark chocolate here or there but chocolate bars were one of the first things to go when Ana went full blown. It feels like a lifetime ago but it’s only been really bad (500 calories if that) since May. Obviously it didn’t happen overnight, I’d been watching food intake and feeling guilty for ages before that. But May was probably where it started to turn from just a niggling guilt to that all consuming illness. And once that flick switched there was not much I could do.
I don’t know if I can recover on my own though. I am trying but after posting on an Anorexia support group and getting some advice on calorie intake and recovery I feel like there is just no way I will ever shove 2000+ calories into my face in one day. I eat that over 4 days normally. At the moment I’ve managed to up my intake to about 1000 on a ‘good’ day (‘bad’ day, depending on me or Ana) so 2 days, but with exercise of some sort. The requirement is 2000+ with NO exercising! I’d die. Seriously. I feel so incredibly fat at the moment it’s ridiculous. I am having panic attacks again and feel completely out of control. Also this incredible hunger that kicks in every so often is unbelievable. I felt like a bottomless pit most of the week and was so tired I hardly moved out of bed for 3 days. On top of the bottomless pit feeling was this constant queasiness, I think I did post about it all. Anyway, today is the first day I have actually stayed out of bed the whole day and been able to focus properly, AND surprise but it’s the one day I hardly ate. It’s like I have more energy when I don’t eat. When I do I feel sluggish, exhausted, bloated. That’s the most of the reason Ana kicked in again. I was so fed up of my IBS and all the pain and sleepless nights and no matter what I ate I kept getting flare ups. So I stopped. I still remember the day the switched was really flipped. I was sitting on my boyfriend’s bed crying my eyes out after trying to eat normally again and getting a flare up. I felt like I had been punched repeatedly in the gut, this weird internally bruised feeling I get, and I had cramps and felt sick. Through my tears, clutching a hot water bottle to my abdomen, I swore I wouldn’t eat. I remember saying “fuck you” to my body and “if you don’t want to accept any food I won’t give you any!”. I felt spited and I was going to teach my body a lesson.
So here I sit, teaching my body a lesson and poisoning my mind in the process. Cutting my nose off to spite my face. BUT my IBS is nearly non existent…or it was until this last week when I started eating more again. This week has been hell and after sitting up most of last night feeling so awful and then waking up groggy and with that same bruised feeling inside and heartburn so bad my whole chest was on fire, I just want to say “fuck you” all over again. And this because yesterday all I bloody well ate was an Ensure shake, a bowl of gluten and wheat free muesli, half a chicken cottage pie with cauliflower mash (instead of potato), some veggies with quinoa, blackbean bites and my normal cups of tea. WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MY STOMACH BE UPSET ABOUT!!? I was told to avoid wheat but the wheat free muesli made me feel a bit odd. And the heartburn? All I ate was veggies and those bites! So I give up. I seriously and honestly do not have the strength for this right now. I might feel differently tomorrow but right now I’m sitting here and I feel hungry but have heartburn and feel bruised. Oh, and I went to my gynae because of the missing periods plus the fact that I feel a constant mild pain and my ovaries are still covered in a bazillion cysts but no diagnosis yet. I have to wait until October and if I still have nothing then we will have to look further. But it could be PCOS and it could be endo. Or it could be my body being full of shit as per normal.
I’m going to bed. All this unraveling of knots tonight has made me feel agitated. Tomorrow I will wake up and feel better.