I am at work and I would rather not be. I don’t want to fucking smile. I can barely stand I feel so weak. My stomach is still going between queasy and feeling like an empty whole.
I don’t want to smile and play hostess. In nearly two and a half years I have never cancelled this event…every single Wednesday for over two years I have been here come hell or high water, but tonight I don’t want to be here!! I feel like I want to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum to rival any 2 year old out there. I want to run out of here. I cannot fake the smile and hold my head high tonight, but the only person who can stand in for me is away on holiday. I want to cry so badly. I almost hope I will pass out, I am swaying on my feet and my head is spinning anyway. If I pass out people will understand and let me go. If I pass out or collapse then I will be taken seriously and I can go home and get back in to bed.
I think what makes this worse is that I have no choice. There is nothing more I hate than no choice and being forced in to doing something. Then I fight it for all I am worth because I feel like I am backed into a corner with no escape and I am horribly claustrophobic.
I have no choice though…
no choice at all. So here I go; this will take every ounce of strength I have left in me today.