So I am feeling a tad better than I was yesterday. After breakfast I went home with my mum and she gave me an Ayurvedic massage which eased a lot of the blocked energy and tension I was holding. However she found a lump in the region of my left ovary. It wasn’t painful but I felt a bit of pressure there and after being massaged I’ve had a constant dull pain. It’s no where near as intense as the pains I used to have but it’s worrying me nonetheless. So now I’m kind of sitting on “go see my gynae now” or “wait it out a bit”.
I’m probably going with the “wait it out a bit” scenario. Knowing what a hypochondriac I can be, it’s probably just a bit of inflammation or a cyst that is swollen. Although Google immediately tells me I have ovarian cancer, of course. Anyway, will gauge the pain over the next day or so and see.
Been feeling a bit depressed this morning, not angry and agitated depressed but rather a gentle depression, like that lingering grey cloud hovering in my peripheral sight. It’s nice to feel calm like this but it’s also a weird space to be in. It’s like I should be happy but I still feel this heaviness. I’m supposed to be painting for an upcoming creative exhibition but not feeling very inspired to do so right now. Oh, and my first paid singing gig was a huge success. So much so that it looks like I will be performing again this weekend. I should be ecstatic but perhaps it’s the weird semi-numb place I am in. I feel little for this development and then I feel guilty for being so ungrateful for ‘such a wonderful opportunity’.
All in all I should be a very happy person. I’ve got a job which allows me to pay my bills and explore all my creativity. I’m now being paid for singing gigs which I’ve wanted to do for ages, I’m exhibiting my paintings and make-up art at the end of this month, I recently booked a girl for make-up for her school dance, I could afford to pay for two yoga classes a week this month, the weather has been sunny and warm after weeks of cold and rain, I will be doing my first horse riding lesson this week courtesy of my boss (something I’ve wanted since I was a kid!), and I’ve finally weeded out people I no longer want in my life and discovered the amazing circle of love and support around me…so why do I still feel this restless depression. Argh it makes NO sense.
I suppose the one area that’s bugging me is my partner. I’m doing it again, growing faster on a personal level. With the curse of always searching and needing to learn not only about the world but about myself, I often outgrow my partners. I have yet to find someone who will explore and grow with me. Spirituality and finding self is a big part of my life and who I am. I am incredibly sensitive to energy and all that ‘airy fairy’ stuff so of course it’s going to be important but my partner is one of those who is afraid to sit with himself in silence for even 5 minutes. He never really talks about feelings or anything deeper than every day goings on, which has been fine. I like that he is more grounded in the physical world than me because it allows me to keep one foot on the ground instead of floating away into the ether. I like that he is calm and logical and social. He is my perfect balance in that way. But I long to share my yoga, meditation, holistic fairs, talks about life after death and energy exchange and neuroscience and psychology and integration. I may not share all his passions but I listen and I try to engage in a few activities or conversations because I like seeing how he lights up when he talks about them; is it too much to want the same?
He is a selfish person, not intentionally, but just because he sits happily in his little box and rarely thinks outside of it. For instance his gift giving: speakers for my car or a book on business or whatever is practical and actually more what he wants to get me rather than what I have asked for or hinted at. I am open to new experience and try new movies or foods or activities that he is keen to try but when it comes to him having to step outside his comfort zone he simply won’t. And it’s driving me NUTS. I love him very much, it’s been nearly two years, but I’m beginning to think that if he doesn’t start stepping outside his box I may not be able to grow with him. And this does terrify me. I have pictured marrying this man. I love how he is the only person on this planet so far who can calm me down with a single look or word or hug. I love that I feel more safe in his arms than I have anywhere else. I love that he makes me laugh and that he is in touch with his inner child as much as I am so that we can blow bubbles or hula hoop or tickle fight. I love that he turns into a big teddy bear around animals. That he get’s as angry at injustice in the world as I do. That he has the biggest heart underneath it all. But I don’t love the box he lives in and it worries me that he cannot be with himself in silence.
I think, same as much in life, this is a “wait and see” scenario. Perhaps I underestimate him and perhaps time will show him growing into his own and not being afraid of feelings or getting outside his comfort zone. Perhaps we can work on this, after all, anything worth it’s weight has to be worked for. I think people have forgotten that relationships need just as much work as anything else in life. So let’s hope I am right!