“I’m going to have some apple pie.”
“I’m going to have a coffee.”
“I’m going to be sick…” or at least that’s what I think as everyone around me has just finished breakfast and moves on to dessert. I’ve eaten maybe half a scone and drank half a small iced coffee and I want to pop. I feel bloated and bruised inside.
It started last night after I’d eaten a slice of gluten free pizza and felt ill. Had bad heartburn and nausea and cramps, I have no idea why. And so I had a bad night last night, restless and sore. Woke up feeling sore and tired and very aggitated then decided to join my mum and dad for breakfast because I needed to get out and figured the sun would help me feel better. When I say ‘needed to get out’ I mean I felt caged and like I needed to run away. Sad thing is even in a Tibetan restaurant with the sun on my face I feel trapped and aggitated, like I need to go stand on a cliff edge and scream!
I feel so sore!!! I hate my body so much. Why does it do this to me?! What did I eat wrong or do wrong yesterday to deserve this?? My body is just one more thing making me feel like a failure. I try eat right and it just backfires. So I stop eating because I’m like ‘fuck you body’ because nothing I do makes you happy. Even now I stuck to decaf coffee, I didn’t eat high fibre food. Last night I even did gluten free which I was told is the better option for my IBS and still! I didn’t put cheddar on and stuck to minimal mozzarella, spinach, fresh tomato and little bit of feta. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO??!!
I never want to eat again. I hate food. I hate feeling this sore and I hate my body more than anything today. I want to curl up and not exist until I exist without this stupid, ugly body.