Some points on pointlessness that may trigger others suffering from depression. Please don’t read if you are questioning life right now.
I’ve been trying to write a post since yesterday afternoon and things just keep popping up.
Yesterday was a better day, mostly because I went to a yoga workshop with my mum in the morning and then to a local holistic fair. Kept me busy and out of my head for most of the day. Got back to the house I am looking after and then it set in. I was so tired from not sleeping properly again so just watched a movie and then started feeling lonely. Luckily my mum messaged and asked if she could come round and watch a movie with me as she was also feeling a bit lonely (she recently broke up with her boyfriend). So she came round and we watched movie and then I fell asleep.
Woke this morning with the same heaviness and pointlessness. I keep fighting it though. I made breakfast (2 thin slices rye toast with marmalade and a mug hot water), ate one slice and convinced myself I wouldn’t eat the other but feel like bottomless pit this morning so ate both. Then set about writing and scheduling some posts for my lifestyle blog, emailed a few people, scouted Facebook. My younger brother posted this letter thanking all of us who have impacted his life and helped him grow into the person he is today which set me off crying for a few reasons.
He thanked me for showing him that no matter how far down we fall we can always get back up, for teaching him about courage and strength and perseverance. So obviously it made me sit back and go, “omg, I thought I was just the weak, frail failure.” I’ve never seen myself as strong or courageous at all. So that made me cry. Then he thanked my mum and dad obviously but my mum replied and the beautiful things she said made me cry even more. I know it’s the space I’m in but she commented on him being so independent and never needing anything and that she is so amazed that at 22 he is so insightful, stuff like that, and it just made me feel worse. I felt a bit hurt because as 19 I was on just as much of a spiritual path. My mum became interested in all this spiritual stuff when I studied metaphysics and was learning Reiki. So it’s twofold because on one hand I just feel completely overlooked again and on the other I think well, I’m 26 with nothing to show for it so who blames them. I hate that voice, the one that spoke last, it’s such a nasty voice.
So I just munched some water crackers and a bit of cheese and am figuring what I will do until I start work at 2pm that doesn’t include wanting to stuff my face. I feel very disassociated this morning as well, dizzy and not all here.
Argh I’m trying to stay positive but I just want to scream. I suppose this is my blog and I can say what I want so I guess I will. I fucking hate my life, and not because it’s bad right now because it’s not actually, but because I hate me. I hate me so much I wish I wasn’t here. I hate that I get like this. I’m tired of Ana and I’m tired of my brain going over and over and over stuff. My partner often says to me that I over think things and I often feel like, well if I knew how to stop it then I would. I practice yoga, I meditate when I can sit still, I try and calm my thoughts down every second of every day. I keep pushing this heaviness to the back of my mind and trying to ignore it. I have been told to stop putting so much blame on the BPD because it’s not that bad. No? I wouldn’t know as I don’t really hang out with other BPD people and have no idea if I’m just a complete basket case. I said the other day that I more often than not feel I should be locked away in some asylum and not out in the functional world. I don’t think people understand how exhausting it is monitoring every single word and action and having to analyse every single bit of information to make sure I am perceiving things correctly. I look fine because I have become that good at mimicking norms, at putting on a mask. I want to just be me but I am so afraid of who that is. Maybe that is why I get so depressed? Because I have to act every single day, in front of my family, my partner, my friends.
I feel like two people and I AM EXHAUSTED! I’m tired of having to monitor every little thing I think or do, or every word I speak, to make sure that I haven’t got it wrong somehow. I hate being so sensitive that I pick up on every little emotion of those around me and then have to figure out what is mine and what isn’t. It’s the same with everything, I am so porous that I often don’t know where I am in the midst of the world. Was that my idea or theirs? Do I want to follow this path or am I just caught up in the excitement of this person who is following that path? Did I hear the correct tone in that sentence? Am I perceiving this as it really is? I read in my Thrive book that reality isn’t real at all, life is just how we view it through our belief-tinted spectacles. I’m still processing that one.
I.don’t.know.what.to.do.anymore. A very real part of me keeps saying this space is ok, that I am integrating stuff and I am still working and paying my bills and going through the motions and it will all get better if I just keep at it, keep setting little goals, keep getting out of bed every morning, keep meditating and doing yoga and reading my Thrive book. But another part of me is terrified of this space. It’s dark and it’s scary and I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of a very long well and shouting and shouting but no one can hear and it just all echoes back at me off the cold, damp mould of stones. I feel like I am sinking and and I’m watching myself but I don’t know why I am sinking, there is no apparent hole through which water could pour in. And the biggest bugbear is WHY AM I HERE? What the heck is the point of all this? We work to make money to spend on bills and perhaps going out a bit and then we work some more and then maybe we get married and have kids and work some more to pay some more bills and go out again or maybe travel somewhere and then we work and then we die. I feel like there has to be more somehow, like I’m missing something big.
I wonder if my issue is that I cannot find real happiness in anything? Maybe it’s because I have dulled all my emotions so that I can function, because I am like a loose cannon otherwise, getting super excited one minute then suddenly bored and moving on to the next thing over and over again. I can never sit with one thing for very long. I don’t want to get excited because I know the boredom will just follow and then I’ll repeat the cycle which leaves me bouncing around like polystyrene balls in a static chamber.
Okay, I’m feeling really disassociated right now and super dizzy. I’m going to go shower and reattach to reality before work. Perhaps I can post later when my head isn’t bouncing all over the place.