I feel sleepy, hot and bothered and nauseous. I have that “I want to jump out of my skin” feeling again. I’m rehearsing again for the singing show, which has now been moved to neeext Friday, and my throat has been a bit scratchy, whether from over rehearsal (because I’m a perfectionist and push myself in everything) or from being around my flu infected dad I don’t know. But I also haven’t really felt hungry since yesterday, or I have but not, if that makes any sense! It’s like I think I feel hungry but I don’t feel like eating anything and if I do I just feel all bloated and sick.

Right now I feel awful. I just took a Mitil (anti nausea) tablet and it’s sitting in my throat…

Sorry, had to get up and go sip some hot water, near the sink of course. Jeez, no idea why I suddenly feel so gross. I was pretty sure I felt hungry. All I’ve had today before lunch was a hot chocolate, and even then I wasn’t hungry or anything, I just felt I should probably get something in my system so I don’t fall over. So when it hit 12:30pm I thought I’m pretty sure I feel hungry now and so I made a cup of carrots, green beans and corn with a thin slice of cheese and onion loaf (toasted). I managed half the veg and started feeling all crampy and bloated and very full. So I stopped. Then, a little bit after that, I could still feel what felt like mild hunger pangs and my stomach was settling so I decided to nibble the slice of toast, just little bit at a time so as not to get cramps again. My hypnotherapist told me to have just a little bit extra each time to try stretch my stomach a bit but so far this has been met with great failure and a fair amount of kicking and screaming from Ana.

Firstly, I have a fear of throwing up so eating till I feel sick is not exactly appealing. He says I won’t actually get sick but sitting with the overfull nausea is not my idea of fun. Secondly, if I eat that extra bit I end up feeling so overfull and sick that I don’t feel hungry AT ALL for the rest of the day. I just feel bruised and swollen inside. Which I can contribute a little to my wonderful IBS and a lot to my anxiety around food.

I’m feeling mildly better now. Throat is still all tight and I feel very sleepy (which often happens when I panic and disassociate) but I feel a little less on the verge of actually throwing up. I wish I could just go home now and watch a movie and try sleep. My body feels all achy and my neck is a bit stiff. Unfortunately I have to go to work…well, now actually. Crap. 

Alright, I will pick up these thoughts and feelings later. Time to drag myself off to work.


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