I’m sure some of you will relate to this, waking up on the dark side of the bed. Not the wrong side where you feel all agitated or snappy but the dark side where you feel surrounded by a black cloud. When I wake up like this I generally feel very little. It’s like someone has come during the night and flicked my emotion switch to “who cares”.
I’m pretty sure I’m feeling like this for a few reasons. Number one I didn’t do much yesterday. Was supposed to do make up for someone but they cancelled and my boyfriend had arranged to go out for lunch with a mate of his. So I chilled at his place and watched movies whilst preparing my set for next week (I am singing at a local restaurant). Which brings me to point number two and three:
2) The nerves for singing next week are affecting my eating like mad and making me want to run and hide. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve sang on stage.
3) My beloved boyfriend’s lunch turned into a day out. After 4 hours (4pm) I messaged to comment on the incredibly long lunch. He still didn’t give me a time or say he’d be back soonish…nothing. So I left it and went out because fuck sitting here like a tart, I’ve dated far too many guys who either kept me at home (taking the car or keys) or just expected me to sit around and wait whilst they went gallivanting. Somewhere past 5pm I get a phone call, “Where am I?” “Out.” “Oh well, I’m home now, where are you?” I was actually at this point feeding the dogs I had to look after this weekend, so I said I would feed them and then was heading back anyway.
I get in and an argument ensues because I comment that I am peeved off and I feel very disrespected and I do not appreciate being treated like that. Whatever happened after, arguing and such was totally pointless as not only had he just fucked off for the entire day but he was now drunk. So I stopped and said it was pointless arguing because he’s drunk, to which he replied something about “NO I will argue because…” and then got his sentences all mixed up. So I walked out and went to the main house to catch up with his mother and cool down. Eventually went back to the flat and after showing him some songs for my set noticed he’d passed out. It must have been around 7pm that I noticed. I tried to wake him, even pulled his eyelid open and nothing! Not even a flinch or a flutter, NOTHING! If we hadn’t been breathing I would’ve thought he was dead.
So I spent Saturday night on my own watching more movies, chatted to my mum for a bit, made some supper at around 9pm. And eventually at around 1:30am think I dozed off. Slept restlessly because Mr Drunk woke up around 3am and then couldn’t sleep so was up and down and then on his iPad. So I feel tired and neglected and hurt this morning and he’s just all hunky-dory as if nothing happened.
Reason number 4 is that the weather is still completely crap and I have no plans for today. Just more sitting around. I can hear my mum saying, “well why don’t you paint? Or read a book/sing/crochet/play a board game/etc?” But in this mood I feel like a 3 year old who has plonked her bum down on the floor and refuses to move no matter how unhappy she is. I don’t feel like painting, or anything. I’m cross and hurt and looking at more f-ing rain and icy cold weather when what I’d really like to do is take a nice long walk. I feel antsy with all the emotions inside. I suppose that’s why I am blogging this morning.
Oh yes and reason number 5, and I know this is so gross, I have a nice big boil thing on my bum cheek. I have never had one before and it hurts. And it’s super gross. Being such a perfectionist about my body and being clean and such this really irks me. I feel gross. And I also read up that if squeezed it can cause greater infection or even infect your blood. And to show the space I’m in, I actually woke up hoping I’d start getting septicaemia. Which makes me think that I really am trying to kill myself off here what with starving myself and then hoping for a blood infection.
So it’s about 11am now and I suppose I should have breakfast and I can feel I’m hungry but I kind of like the hunger and I feel like hunger striking. I know I won’t though because I already have a headache and feel a bit shaky. I could have a cigarette. Yes, I’ll go have a cigarette. And my boyfriend is asking me what I want to do today, so maybe he is feeling a little remorse.
Okay…let’s go tackle the day.