Storms and Sickness

I’m lying in a hot bath trying to keep warm. It’s storming outside, thunder and everything, and I’ve got to head out to work in an hour.

I’ve spent the morning in bed with a bucket near by. Feel nauseous, crampy, weak and shaky and so tired. And behind it all I feel…hungry? Empty? I find it difficult to understand what my body is trying to tell me. Am I feeling like this because I’m not eating properly? Have I got a bit of a bug? Is it anxiety? Is it maybe all 3??

Feeling like this is my worst nightmare. I would rather die (and I’m not kidding) than have a stomach bug. This emetophobia thing sucks big time. I’ve taken my anti nausea/anti anxiety (Mitil) tablet and a probiotic this morning to try  get rid of whatever this is. Mitil normally works a charm but I’m still not feeling that much better.

It’s hard to explain but when I feel like this I want to escape my body. I want to be anywhere but in my skin, in this situation. I disassociate to a whole new level and probably won’t remember much of today if I look back. I want to cry. I need to get out of this pathetic, sick bag of fat and flesh. This stupid brain that won’t stop and also causes my illness. Stupid fucking waste of space. Why can’t I just be spirit, free energy without all this human rubbish.

I’m tired of this world. I’m even more tired of my humanness. Of this prison of flesh.

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