This weekend my partner and I are staying at lovely hotel in a little seaside village, which has lifted my spirits some. I was a bit apprehensive because I’ve been so cut off and worried we’d have nothing to say or that I’d freak out being away from my safe spaces. Also going out for meals is a complete nightmare for me and it took hours last night to find a restaurant and then to find something I would eat and not waste money on. It’s been good though.
It’s a needed escape. My partner and I spoke for hours yesterday and today we headed out on foot after breakfast and explored the town. For a while I even forgot that walking burns calories 🙂 I only had a mini croissant and slice of papaya for breakfast though so am now lying on hotel bed exhausted. In fairness my partner is lying next to me nearly passed out, haha! So I don’t feel too bad. I’m also trying to just be in the moment and not think of heading back tomorrow (noooooo). I’m feeling mildly poetic today and feel like stretching my writing muscles:
Right now I can feel the soft pillows beneath my head, the gentle warmth of my partner next to me, hear the wild waves crashing over cliffs outside the window. Every so often the subtle swoosh of a car passing, the chatter of people in the street, or in the passage outside our room. The doors are thin here and I can hear other visitors coming and going, keys jingling in winter-cold hands. The cream walls reflect the soft light of grey clouds outside. It’s cold. My body feels icy. It’s hard to stay warm and even with the small heater on I have to bundle layers to keep the chill off my fragile frame. I bought a snug knitted hat earlier to keep the wind off my ears and out of my hair. It is deep blue, nearly black. Was good to feel warm.
I haven’t eaten much in the last few days. Ana has gripped me in her boney claws and I feel too tired to fight. Every time I eat I feel my stomach straining with the weight of food like I’ve swallowed heavy pebbles. I feel empty yet full to bursting. Ana celebrates my walk today, patting me on the back and pretending she’s my friend. She’s a nasty bitch. Two-faced and sharp. I worry that my partner will see her. I’ve seen how he’s watching me eat, cutting my food into tiny pieces and pushing them around my plate. I get full quickly and don’t know what to do with the near-to-full plate of wasted food in front of me. He doesn’t say anything though. He’s like that, taking in everything but quietly processing them. I can feel him breathing steadily and my heart wants to explode with love for this patient, calm man that accepts me as I am. He takes everything in his stride, not yelling or making fun of me or getting angry when I do stupid things like so many before him have. He laughs with me not at me. He journey’s with me yet there are healthy boundaries in this relationship which my Borderline has not previously allowed me. I could marry this beautiful creature.
Okay, enough of the melancholic tales. I need to pee and my partner has woken up.