Re-tying Some Knots

Today has been a bad day. I woke up tired. Stomach felt bit off during breakfast as had sudden panic that greek yoghurt was off (hypnotherapy seems to be wearing off). Went to see my psychologist at 10:30am. Was okay until I realised how much I’ve shut down, how often I am disassociating, and when I touched on it the flood gates opened and I cried and cried. She said it seems the hypno has brought up some stuff, kicked in some old coping mechanisms, and I seem a bit regressed.

Was supposed to go to local hospital about some issues with my account but couldn’t face it so went to the house I’m currently house sitting. Was supposed to do makeup for a friend and as much as I wanted to bury myself I thought, ‘no. You can do this.’ Then she messages me to cancel. I messaged my boyfriend’s mum to see if I could go over and paint but got no response. So I sat on the couch and watched lame stuff on TV and eventually got my laptop out for a bit. Also, not long after I ate a slice of rye with marmalade and cheese for lunch, my stomach was in complete knots and gurgling and I felt sick. Probably because I was already upset and then the gurgling and cramps set off my anxiety which aggrivated my stomach and around and round we go.
So I haven’t eaten much today. Went for a walk and went to yoga to take my mind off of stomach. It worked but then got back to house. Had 2 ginger biscuits with rooibos tea for supper. Nibbled half a banana. Now feel sick and stomach is gurgling again.

I get stressed because I start thinking about my worst fears of a bug or food poisoning. But then my logical mind tells me it’s just because my digestive system is so screwed up, especially after eating around 500 calories a day for 2 or 3 weeks. I am now averaging 900-1000 a day. It scares me shitless. I stood on the scale this morning and it said 56,7kg. I didn’t like it. Whilst doing a mini back bend in yoga tonight I felt my stomach skin pulling tight over my ribs and felt my stomach cave in. I found myself thinking, ‘that’s what I want.’ That slightly weird feeling like my skin was being stretched to its limit over my bones, the slight pain like it might rip, the feeling of hollowness…I liked it…a lot.

I’m in bed now and just feel fed up. I am so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. My stomach is unsettled still so hope I can sleep. I feel like a heavy black cloud is hovering over me. I feel dull and dark.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a brighter day.

2 thoughts on “Re-tying Some Knots

  1. I hope today was better for you. I’ve had a rough couple of days myself, so I understand the hovering black cloud feeling. I admire your persistence to be healthier, despite the conflicting emotions an eating disorder brings. (((Hugs)))

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