That is how my head feels…foodfoodfoodfood. What not to eat, or when to eat or why or how. Just food running around and around and around. I’m sitting in the lounge of the house I am looking after and I just had some roast carrots, butternut and sweet potato with some mozzarella cheese. Had two little pieces of the sweet potato but scared it’s gone bad so threw rest away. Ate carrots and butternut with the cheese but now stomach is hurting and I feel quite ill. I’m freaking out that butternut may have been bad (I got it on Sunday for the braai). Before that, last thing I ate was a slice of toast and vegetarian burger patty at around 4pm.
Had a friend come over for tea and a catch up. a bit earlier. I always have such a lovely chat with her and time just flies. We spoke a bit about life in general and then got chatting about deeper things like knowing oneself. In our mid twenties we both feel like we’re old before our time. She was mentioning how she now prefers snuggling up with her man and a good movie as opposed to going out. I feel the same. It’s the best feeling in the world to come home, whip off your bra, wipe off your makeup and curl up with a good movie or book. But then again I have become a bit of a hermit.
I delved into our conversation a bit and was thinking about when I was in my early teens. I’ve always been sensitive, emotionally and intuitively. I can sense people’s emotions and often take them on and I am able to sense ‘spirits’ or whatever you want to call them. I was always teased for being a weirdo and so learnt to cut myself off and I became who others wanted me to be just so I could fit in. I learnt that it was bad to be me. That the real me was somehow not okay; not normal. I’ve spent the better part of 12 years trying to be acceptable somehow. I figured that whenever I am in a clinic for treatment (I’ve been admitted 3 times since 2008) I start getting better because I am accepted as I am and it’s all a therapeutic environment. I don’t have to deal with too much outside stuff and I start getting in touch with the core of who I am. But then I leave the clinic and slowly I start getting get caught up in others emotions and dreams and passions and hates to such an extent that I don’t know where either of us starts or ends. I get overloaded with sensory information as well. I get dizzy with too much loud noise or chatter. My head spins with too many people around. Certain textures start bugging me, so I wear only soft clothes like leggings and I have to put quiet, meditation type music on in my car instead of listening to the radio. It slowly starts to snowball in this manner until I stop going out and I cut myself off. I do this mostly by becoming sick.
I tend to rotate disorders. Either it’s my IBS that flares up or my ovarian cysts give me incredible pain, or anxiety gets worse or my eating disorder pops up. And of course my lovely friend depression starts hovering around. I get depressed because I end up being so sick and backing out of life to such an extent that I feel like I hardly exist. It’s a vicious circle of disorders and I so badly want to function like a normal person. That’s another reason I get depressed. I spend 99% of my time hating my body and my mind and wishing I was just a normal person. But I guess I’m not and never will be. Today I realised that with getting back into yoga and getting more in touch with my spiritual side again I am starting to awaken the empathy and intuition. What would happen if I started to accept myself not as weird but rather special, and in touch with things most people aren’t in touch with? I wonder.
And I will wonder some more. Tonight’s conversation made me think quite a bit.Although thinking quite a bit is not unusual for me! Right now though I feel really gross and incredibly sleepy. Awesome heartburn. Had a rusk after my veg and probably ate far too much. Just to build on yesterdays atrocity. I seem to be eating more junk food. I can feel the binge side of me wanting to come out and I hate it.
Alright, am going to mindlessly watch a movie now. Just took an anti nausea tablet and hopefully can get some sleep; something I haven’t had in ages.