First night at next house sitting job. Had a fun time today taking Munchkin and a friend ice-skating and then for lunch. After that took her to ride her horse. Both of us utterly bushed after but it was a good day. I sometimes think being an au pair is one of the best jobs in the world.
Though the real reason I am writing (typing) is because I’ve just had supper. A slice of rye bread and a vegetarian patty…which takes today’s calorie count to 1192. Minus exercise and general functioning it’s 523. But I can’t get that 1192 out of my head.
You see, I play a little game with myself each day: if I can keep it under 1000, preferably around 800, then it’s a mostly guilt-free day. Today is a guilt-ridden day. And it’s not even that I ate buckets of food; logically. When out I generally don’t eat due to food poisoning worries or simply because take-out is so disgustingly laden with fats and sugars and whatever other crap I don’t even want to think about. But being out the whole day today plus running around with two tweens means it was eat or keel over. I already battled to ice-skate, getting dizzy and out of breath quickly. At 12pm I caved and ate some NikNaks with the girls. At lunch it was all fast food stalls. The girls got pizza. Oh I would’ve dief for a pizza. But I rather found a restaurant that does cheese and tomato on rye bread which seemed like the lesser of all evils. I gave the chips that came with it to a beggar on the way home.
Worst thing was at the ice rink there was a girl who was not only beautiful and completely skinny but also a figure skater. Just after I stuffed my face with NikNaks too. I have wanted to figure skate since I first got on the ice at 15, but the rink was too far from home (45min drive) and lessons/skates/etc all cost too much. I hated her until she smiled at me. Then I thought, maybe in another world we could’ve been friends. I wanted to be her, so graceful and lithe instead of the awkward and clumsy elephant I feel like most of the time.
So on top of all that I actually ate a proper breakfast of two rusks and half a banana because I figured I’d be skating (lol, love the unintentional word play) and would need the energy. Then I drank a serving of Ensure from about 5:50pm till about 7pm. I then stupidly felt hungry and decided to ignore Ana and eat a small supper. And so now I sit here hating myself for all the rubbish I have eaten.
I tried today to just be normal and not think like Ana. To defeat her a little. I guess I did in a way because I ate very close to the 1200 calorie minimum I’m supposed to eat. No. Stop. Even here I am lying. FFS. In reality my BMR is apparently 1340 calories just to stay alive, so 1200 is below what my body needs just to function. So let’s face it: I am killing myself.
I am, aren’t I. And for what?? I don’t even know why. I just know that I want to cave in on myself. Fold up like an origami swan. Graceful. I want to not have to eat ever again. I hate food. I hate how it makes my body feel heavy and poisoned. I hate how, if I eat like I did today, then I just want to eat more. I feel like I’ll lose all control and never stop.
Hmmm, a bit like my emetophobia: I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop throwing up once I start. Interesting little light bulb moment. Now if only I knew why. I may need to meditate on that a bit. But right now I’m just going to sleep instead. Let’s hope I can sleep right through for once. I just need one night of decent sleep; just one night would be blissful.