This weekend was a mixture of ups and downs. I stayed in bed the whole of Friday so was glad to have my boyfriend arrive to spend the weekend with me. Good to have someone to chat too after a whole day with just the TV for company.
Yesterday was a bad day though. I got some negative feedback from this photo shoot I recently braved. “Put yourself out there,” I thought, “Don’t be afraid.” So I came up with a creative concept and approached some girls I know to hop on board. On the day I styled as I normally do and did my first make up outside of college. The shoot turned out phenomenally but I noticed some weird vibes afterwards and saw they were planning the next shoot concept without me. I decided to email the girls and ask what was up and got an email back saying how I didn’t pull my weight and how my make up wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t blended properly etc etc etc.
I was so hurt. I can take constructive criticism, maybe it’s because my self esteem is so shit but maybe it’s also because I know that without it I cannot learn. Having BPD makes me crave feedback in a lot of areas because I am so often unaware of my impact on others or on situations. However I did NOT expect this at all. They were nothing but honey-sweet to my face. I told them that I would have appreciated it if they spoke to me about how they feel instead of talking behind my back and excluding me from the next concept; it’s like being back in fucking high school. I am so tired of immature two-faced assholes who smile and act sweet but behind my back are saying such nasty things. I am questioning whether I want to work in this industry at all. It seems to contain the most backstabbing, shallow and petty people on earth! I love fashion and I love make up and it breaks me to think that in order to do what I love I would have to be surrounded by people like this. I just want to be creative. Is that too much to ask.
Anyway, it’s a long story but basically I was so gutted that I just started sobbing. I discarded my supper and got into a scalding hot bath sobbing my heart out and curled up in a little ball. When I got out, I took a sleeping pill and curled up in my boyfriends arms only to wake up at 2am with incredible nausea and my head hanging over a bowl I was so sure I’d be sick. Was awake until 5:30am.
I was so proud of the shoot and now I feel like I shouldn’t be because maybe I didn’t do enough. Or maybe I am crap at what I do. Maybe I shouldn’t even try any more. I feel like I’m not good at anything. No, not true. I am good at being anorexic. It is the one thing in my life I have really, extraordinarily succeeded at. I can drop weight and hide food and pretend to eat so well. I am also good at fucking everything up. I am fantastic at landing myself in hospital every 18 months or so. I am amazing at disappointing everyone including myself.
I know this all comes from my dark place but it’s just what has been going around my head. I have been trying so SO hard to keep my head above water but people are always so nasty. I don’t want to leave the house any more. I would almost welcome being in hospital again just to leave the world behind and be in a place where I am accepted for being just good old, messed up me. Where I am encouraged to be me. Not this harsh and horrible world where I just don’t seem to fit in anywhere.
I hardly ate today from feeling so bad. Although we had a BBQ and after picking at a vegetarian patty and some salad, I nibbled a few chips, so now I feel like crap. In fact I feel like I nibbled all afternoon. I did an exercise routine for about 30 minutes once my boyfriend had left. It made me feel a bit better. Also felt better to stand on the scale and see 56.3kgs after I was 56.9 this morning but I’m lying in bed now, it’s 10:03pm and I feel a bit hungry but I also feel a bit sick. Am contemplating some tea to stop the hunger and maybe help the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Except I am so scared of feeling sick like I did last night. Maybe some tea and a rusk will make me feel less sick. I don’t know any more. It’s been a very down weekend after something that meant so much to me turned in to something so ugly.