That is supper:
1 boiled egg
1/2 cup Basmati rice
1 thin slice mozzarella cheese
oh and a cup of rooibos tea with one sugar.
And I can’t even finish that. My stomach hates me. My body in general hates me. My mind hates me.
I’m exhausted when I sit down long enough. I’m pretty sure I dozed off a few times in hypnotherapy today; oops. If I keep moving I’m okay, sometimes I feel a little dizzy but then I generally eat or drink a little something and I’m good to go. I can eat, I just can’t eat more. I’m sitting here feeling so ill and I only ate half of my supper. I have also developed a very annoying twitch in my right eye and a rather irritating chest pain. And my memory is really bad. I can’t seem to focus on much.
I see my “away from home” post was somehow filled with text about ‘bliss point’ and how much crap is in our food instead of the long post I wrote about the fact that I am house sitting at the moment. I started on Tuesday and hence the sheer panic the other night. I also forgot to mention my utter joy in discovering that they have a scale! I don’t own one, probably a good thing, but last time I stood on one I weighed 58/59kg’s which is…about 130 pounds. So I stood on the scale yesterday and it told me 57.5kg (126lb). The utter joy I felt was sickening. I keep standing on that bloody thing. Today I weighed 57kg when I woke up, 57.5kg when I got dressed and 56kg (123lb) when I got back from therapy. I’ll probably weigh myself again before bed just now. This eating disorder has spiralled so rapidly that it scares even me. It is consuming me after I’ve tried so hard to keep it in check since 2009/2010. Four years of hearing that irritating voice and telling it to shut up. 4 exhausting years of fighting it, of feeling so sick and anxious every time I eat to the point of getting IBS. My mum told me to mention my eating to my hypnotherapist and funny enough it did come up…I have a suspicion my mum phoned him in case I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t overly keen on telling him anything. The only reason I’ve mentioned that I’m struggling is because then no one takes it seriously. It’s like, “oh she’s just being a hypochondriac/drama queen/attention seeker”. Clever me huh.
So even in my exhausted state I had enough energy to feel outrageously defiant. He was poking with questions and then talking about how I should increase my intake of food by just one extra bite per meal to stretch my stomach out again. I nodded obediently all the while hearing Ana say’ “HAH! Nice try buddy. Yes, yes, whatever. I’ll nod and pretend I have every intention of doing this. Fools.” Wow this disease is sick. Seriously. While under hypnosis I remember him asking me to look at my face in a mirror and say something like, “I am my own authority”, basically I am in control and I have the power to manifest what I want. I have a problem where I always do what others tell me because I’m a people pleaser, to the point that I don’t know what I want any more. Anywho, when he told me to do this I saw this horrible, evil face looking back at me. Is that Ana? Or is that just how much I have come to hate myself? Whatever it was I squirmed and struggled to focus. My conscious mind wanted me out of there. I don’t trust my mind any more.
I’m tired now. I can feel the food sitting in my stomach and I hate it. My eyes are battling to stay open and I can feel I’m losing concentration on this post now. I suppose I should try sleep. Think I will take an anti nausea pill, which doubles up nicely as an anti anxiety med, then maybe I can stop feeling like I want to claw my skin off or jump out of my anxiety ridden, sick body.