Kitchen Obsession

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This is happening right now. My boyfriend decided we should bake chocolate brownies and right now this is my brain: “Omg will I be able to control myself and not eat any? What if I just have a bite? No! Better not to have even a bite. But you’ve been for a walk so surely a bite is okay? But you know once you have a bite it’s harder to stop. Yes, better to not have whilst everyone else stuffs their greedy faces. That’s it, think of how disgusting it is. That sickly sweet smell. You don’t want any anyway. It’ll make you sick to your stomach. Yuck.”

I’ve already licked some batter out the bowl and feel awful. I bought some orange juice to make a smoothie which I can have instead. Funny thing is I love cooking and baking and often find myself in the kitchen whipping up stuff that I would rather feed to others. I lick a spoon here, have a few nibbles there and I don’t feel hungry anyway, or I move on to the next task. Keeping myself busy is a good distraction from food.

I’m feeling very tired though and often want to sleep a ton. Just went for a walk to shops for brownie stuff and wanted to fall on the floor, lifting each foot was an effort. But now I sit in the high plastic chair at the kitchen counter and I feel the fat rolls on my stomach and hate it. I’m not having a good day today. The only upside is that I’m still really good at hiding all of this. If I hadn’t mentioned to my mum or dad that I am battling a bit again (I was previously in hospital for 3 months for eating disorder) I don’t think anyone would notice a thing. Why did I tell them? Maybe it was part attention but also if I tell them then they think it’s not so bad, if I tell them I’m obviously still fighting it…but I’m not. I can’t.  I don’t remember how.

How sick is that thought processing? But it’s gripping me now. I feel more relaxed and less sick than I have in years. I just get a bit tired and dizzy but at least I know I control those and my body isn’t controlling me anymore. All i do is eat a little and I can carry on. My IBS is nearly non exsistant now and I can actually go out without feeling super anxious or worrying that I will throw up. I feel pretty and I feel powerful. It gives me some kind of identity I guess. I think I’m going back to bed now.

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