Today hasn’t been a great day. Not that anything particularly bad happened, I just feel agitated, tearful and food has been on my mind all day again.
I suppose for stuff to make a bit of sense I should fill you in on some of these labels I mentioned in my about me section. I’m feeling a bit tongue tied (finger tied?) as it’s difficult to know where to start. I’m 26 and that’s a lot of years of ‘stuff’! Ok well, here are my current labels:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified…yes…that actually exists. Let’s just call it anorexia as that is the category I apparently score highest in)
Emetophobia (fear of being sick. This one is a biggie for me, currently it is crippling my life)
IBS (with an apparent host of food intolerances. I’ve been wheat free for over a year. Thank you kinesiologist for feeding me nonsense…but that’s another story)
HSV 1 and 2 (this thanks to a cheating partner. I’ll debunk the stigma of this in another post)
Wow, that’s the first time I’ve listed them like that. Makes me feel like a total case. I’ve been given loads of labels, my first one at six months was bronchitis which continued to plague me until I was about 20. Also had asthma from the age of 17 which disappeared same time my bronchitis issues did. I started wearing glasses after I finished school too and my eye’s have deteriorated a significant amount in the last year. Now after being in and out of doctors rooms, trying alternative healing, etc etc etc, I’m coming to realise that my biggest issue is my BPD and anxiety and the rest kind of piggie backs on them. BPD sets off insecurity and OCD which sets of anxiety which in turn makes my IBS flare up and then I feel sick and my emetophobia comes in full force which triggers my eating disorder which triggers more anxiety and more insecurity and so on and so forth. It’s ridiculous, but with BPD I often feel my mind isn’t my own and it makes it harder to know what’s real and what isn’t.
It’s getting late and I need to try sleep. For the past week I’ve been waking up at around 2am every single morning having a panic attack. A panic attack while I sleep? I mean really. Anyway, here’s to sleeping tablets!