Not Ok

I feel this today. I’m not ok.
(cheesy rhyme makes me want to turn this into a poem)

I woke up still feeling achy and my stomach still feels full and sore and bloated even after a whole night of fasting. I tried to eat a rusk with some hot water and only managed half before I felt horribly uncomfortable. I then started raging inside. Everything is irritating me. The stupid dog outside that won’t shut up and led to me having a shouting match with the old bitch (not the dog, the owner) downstairs who keeps telling us we are lying, her dog doesn’t bark much or she calls him inside if he does. I threatened to call animal services on her. It felt good to get some of the rage out at least.

I was also chatting to my mum a bit and she suggested going for a walk on the beach and doing some work on my laptop there. Yes, sounds good in theory but I couldn’t be arsed to get up and shower and get dressed. Plus every time I get up the room spins and I feel shaky and weak. Probably due to lack of food but what’s a girl to do. So instead I went for a smoke outside which then led to this altercation with the old dog lady.

I now have a headache and start work in an hour. The thought of getting up to shower is something my body is not liking. Perhaps a bath would be better, then at least I don’t have to stand. Problem is I then have to work and being an au pair means I’m not sitting behind a desk but rather running around and driving quite a bit. Not to mention I’m working tonight until about 10pm. I just don’t feel like I have the strength, mentally or physically, to get through this day. I keep bursting into random bouts of tears over stupid crap like trying to eat a plain yoghurt or getting up to go pee or how I’m pretty pathetic because I’m probably not even really sick and there are people out there who are worse off and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Then I think I should get someone to stand in for me tonight at least so I can look after me, but then even that feels like I’m flaking out and being weak and stupid. GAH I hate guilt!

I hate feeling like I’m not doing anything. Like I’m not achieving. Like I’m being lazy or flaking out or whatever. I hate that my body is being so nasty to me again, that I did try eat and it just cramps up and makes me bloat and feel sick. I hate how tired I feel right now and how fuzzy my head and eye sight is. And yes, I’m being negative I know this. I’m having a big fat pity party. BPD in full throttle today. Ana is being a pain. IBS is acting up.

Okay, let’s stop for a moment and write a list of positive things today:
1) The sun is actually shining outside which always cheers me up a bit.
2) I have been able to work on my laptop in bed the whole morning
3) I did manage to eat a yoghurt (even though it tasted disgusting and seemed like a total waste of calories. Oops! Negative, sorry.)
4) I am lucky that I can have a bath/shower which will make me feel clean and warm me up.
6) I don’t have to go deal with an office environment now, I get to go to work and enjoy the sun and take the munchkin to horse riding.
7) I do not actually have to please anyone or do what I don’t want to, it is my choice to get up and it is my choice if I decide not to work tonight. I only have my own guilt and high standards making me feel crap.

Right, I feel able to get up and shower at least. Still feel soddingly miserable but I will try keep that list in my head and just go easy on myself. Here goes…